8: Romantic Relationships and Love
- Page ID
- 259268
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Love: that which we cannot define, that which we cannot understand. Such a simple word, yet such an enigmatic force that human kind has failed to create a language commensurate with its ineffable rapture. When we find it, we want the world to know it. We adorn our fingers with metals and gems hoping that our announcement does not go unnoticed. Or perhaps we engrave a lock and attach it to a bridge in the city of love. Pictured above is the Pont des Arts, a pedestrian bridge in Paris, France. For several years, lovers would bring a lock engraved with their names and attach it to the bridge. Once their lock was secured, they would toss the key into the Seine River below. The bridge became known as the “bridge of romance.” Tourists flocked to the bridge to leave their love padlock; Parisians balked at the “eye sore” and eventually the love padlocks were removed. The weight of the love padlocks was too much for the iron panels to bear, so the panels, locks and all, were removed. Upwards of 700,000 love padlocks were taken away, leaving behind the matching keys to corrode at the bottom of the river. This is such a beautiful metaphor for how we can clutter our hearts with the frivolity of symbols, and lose our ability to see the simple beauty of the river. Love is not about the cake, the diamonds, the tux, the gown, the revelry, the label, the gifts, etc. Love is about accepting another human being for who they are and for where they are in their lives. Love, in the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, is about “understanding.” Our only hope to grow in love with another human being is to try and to understand them.
- Describe what kinds of additional information beyond personal experience are acceptable in developing behavioral explanations (i.e., popular press reports vs. scientific findings). (APA Goal, SLO 2.2b)
- Use scientific reasoning to interpret psychological phenomena.(APA Goal 2, SLO 2.1)
- Describe and understand key concepts, principles, and overarching themes in psychology. (APA Goal 1, outcome 1.1)
- Use basic psychological terminology, concepts, and theories in psychology (humanistic) to explain behavior and mental processes. (APA Goal 1, SLO 1.1b.).
- Be able to recognize major historical events, theoretical perspectives, and figures in psychology and their link to trends in contemporary research. (APA Goal 1, SLO 1.2c)
- Be able to identify the neural correlates of the four temperament dimensions.
- Be able to identify Fisher’s stages of romantic love and describe the unique hormonal pattern of each stage.
- Be able to describe the different personality types identified by Helen Fisher.
- Be able to discuss Chapman’s five love languages and the implications of his work in both your personal life and a clinical setting.
- Be able to conceptualize love in terms of Sternberg’s theory of love.
- Be able to identify the six things that predict divorce based on the work of John Gottman.
- Know the role and significance of the NVADV.
- Be able to define domestic violence/abuse.
- Be able to identify the stages in Lenore Walker’s Cycle of Abuse.
- Be able to identify Virginia Satir’s different communication styles.
Reading 1: The Biology of Romantic Love
Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a biological anthropologist at Rutgers’ University has studied love for decades. She has explored the biology of love as well as the psychology of love. She has looked at why we fall in love, how we fall in love and how we stay in love. She has analyzed the brain patterns of those who are in love, those who have been dumped and those who have never been in love. She has evaluated the differences and concluded that being in love changes the brain chemistry, which often translates into erratic behaviors. Professor Fisher contends that there are three stages to romantic love. First is lust, which is driven by the sex hormones, testosterone and estrogen. The second stage is attraction. This stage is fueled by dopamine adrenaline and serotonin. When you are in this stage you feel extreme euphoria when you are with your partner. You feel stress due to the increased adrenaline levels, which leaves your heart racing and your mouth parched. During this stage, according to Fisher, serotonin levels are reduced, resulting in one obsessing about their partner. At this stage, one’s brain looks very similar to the brain of one suffering from OCD. The last stage is attachment. This stage is fueled by vasopressin and oxytocin. Oxytocin is released after copulation, making us feel more attached to our partner. Fisher reports that “Casual sex isn’t always casual; it can trigger a host of powerful feelings.” Casual sex is actually pretty intense given the flood of hormones released afterwards, which can lead to a strong emotional attachment. As you read, be sure to take note of the key neurotransmitters and hormones that define each stage.
Key Terms: lust, attraction, attachment, adrenalin, vasopressin, dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, estrogen
Key Scholar: Helen Fisher, Ph.D.
Reading 2: Neural Correlates of Four Temperament Dimensions
Why him? Why her? Professor Fisher dedicated much of her research to not only identifying the biology of love, but also to elucidating the why of love. Why is it that we fall in love with one person and not another? She has identified four different temperaments, each associated with a different brain system. In this reading, you will gain insight into how our temperaments are driven by specific systems in the brain. Fisher contends that we may exhibit characteristics from all four systems, but that there will typically be two major temperaments that define our personality. She further contends that not all temperaments are equally compatible. The Fisher Temperament Inventory (FTI) was created to determine couple compatibility. Fisher has contracted with several dating services, such as Match.com, where this data is used to improve the pairing algorithms. In this reading, you will find that Fisher identified specific brain patterns that correlated with responses on the FTI, thus identifying brain regions associated with certain temperaments.
Key Terms: dopamine and related norepinephrine system, serotonin,
testosterone, estrogen and oxytocin system, FTI, Four Temperament Dimensions: Curious/Energetic; Cautious/Social Norm Compliant; Analytical/Tough-minded; and Prosocial/Empathetic.
Reading 3: The Five Love Languages
Gary Chapman is the author of the NYT bestselling book, The Five Love Languages. Dr.Chapman published this book in 1995, with a series of love-language-themed books to follow. Serving as a pastor, Chapman engaged in countless hours of counseling married couples. Chapman theorized that we often show love in the way that we feel love. If you feel loved when your partner praises you, in accordance with Chapman’s theory, you most likely show love by praising your partner. Chapman contends that this can lead to a disconnect, as words of affirmation may not be the way that your partner feels love; words of affirmation may not be your partner’s love language. When couples fail to speak each other’s love language, the insidious festering of resentment and isolation can begin. Chapman created a quiz that allows for you to determine your love language. This is a great tool for someone and their partner. In the Reading, you will find this quiz along with information about your results. Chapman’s work, backed by qualitative support, is prevalent among clinicians. Many marriage counselors often allude to Chapman’s work to facilitate communication between couples about how love is perceived.
Key Terms: Love Languages, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gift Giving
Key Person: Gary Chapman
Reading 4: Sternberg’s Theory of Love
Robert J. Sternberg, a world-renowned psychologist, has proposed many theories, from theories on intelligence to theories on love. Sternberg’s duplex theory of love is comprised of two elements: the triangular theory of love and the theory of love as a story. Using the triangle as a metaphor, Sternberg proposes that there are three components to love: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Sternberg contends that all three components interact with one another to create different kinds of love. Sternberg also proposes that everyone has their own story of what love is and that “…the triangles emanate” from these stories. If our story matches our partner’s story, Sternberg states that our relationship will be more successful. The story might be viewed as our framework of love. What is our fantasy of true love? Is it being saved by some princess or some knight in shining armor? Is it a holy union rigidly governed by one’s religious beliefs? As you read, you will gain a better understanding of the different kinds of love Sternberg proposed and how the story impacts the interaction of the different components.
Key Terms: Nonlove, Liking, Infatuated Love, Empty Love, Romantic Love, Companionate Love, Fatuous Love, Consummate Love, Duplex Theory of Love, Triangular Theory of Love, Theory of Love as a Story
Key Scholar: Robert J. Sternberg
Reading 5: Can We Predict the End of a Relationship?
John Gottman, Ph.D., has been studying marriage stability and divorce predictors for over 40 years. Both he and his wife head the Gottman institute, where the Gottman method is practiced. The Gottman method is their approach to marriage counseling, and many therapists become certified in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Gottman identified 6 things that predict divorce (or break-up) while observing couples in the “Love Lab” apartment at the University of Washington. The couples were instructed to revisit an ongoing disagreement. As Gottman observed, he realized that the way couples argue is a key indicator of whether they have the tools to stay together. “Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship” that Gottman referred to them as the Four Horsemen. As you review the list, it is important to note if any of these patterns exist in your own relationships. Our awareness about faulty patterns can help us to improve how we interact with our partner. Positive communication is a key ingredient to successful relationships. In the next reading, you will read about Satir’s communication styles, which may be an eye-opener for many.
Key Terms: Harsh Startup, The Four Horsemen, Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Flooding, Body Language, Failed Repair Attempts, Bad Memories
Key Scholar: John Gottman
Reading 6: Satir’s Communication Styles
Virginia Satir was a famous marriage and family therapist who had an uncanny ability to connect with people. She facilitated family sessions where she would teach family members how to communicate with each other more effectively. Satir identified five different communication styles, with leveling reflecting a healthy way to communicate. As you read about the different communication styles, ponder which one reflects how you communicate. Are you a leveler or a blamer? Gaining insight into how we communicate can help us to better understand what approach may be more effective. If you are a blamer and your partner is a placator, attempts to solve conflicts will be futile. The blamer will attack and the placator will acquiesce just to avoid conflict. As Gottman highlighted, conflict management in a relationship is the barometer for the health of the relationship. Successful conflict management hinges on healthy and effective communication.
Key Terms: placating, blaming, computing, distracting, leveling
Key Scholar: Virginia Satir
Reading 7: Domestic Violence
“Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically; however, the one constant component of domestic violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the other.”
The above definition is provided on the informative website created by the NCADV. While not everyone will find themselves in an abusive relationship, everyone should be educated about how to identify a relationship as abusive. It is also very important to note that you may be a victim of domestic violence even if you have never been physically abused; emotional & psychological abuse are also types of domestic violence. The particularly harrowing statistics about abuse should heighten our awareness about the precarious nature of a relationship in which there exists an exploited power differential. Power is not authentic love. Power is not flattering. Power is not safety. Power, unchecked in a relationship, can lead to death.
Statistics provided by NCADV.org:
Stats for the state of Georgia:
- In 2013, 29,779 victims were served by Georgia domestic violence services.
- One in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the United States have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.
- On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines receive approximately 21,000 calls, 15 calls per minute.
- Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.
Reading 8: Lenore Walker’s Cycle of Abuse
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Lenore Walker is a leading researcher in studying abused women. After interviewing hundreds of abused women she identified a pattern of behavior that she labeled the ‘battering cycle.” The battering cycle has since become known as the “cycle of abuse.” This cycle may take months, weeks, or even days. For each abusive relationship, the cycle may manifest differently. It is important to be aware of the existence of such a pattern, so that one does not delude themselves into believing that the saccharine gestures displayed after bouts of abuse are an indicator that the abuse will never happen again. As Walker observed, the abuser will be your ideal mate until tensions begin to mount. Eventually, the tensions will light the fuse, and the ephemeral fairytale will soon melt into the nightmare of abuse. The cycle will repeat itself again…and again…and again.
Key Terms: Cycle of Abuse, Acute Battering episode (abuse), Honeymoon Phase (apologies, excuses, amends)
Key Scholar: Lenore Walker
Reflections:
- Do you feel that knowing the science behind love can mitigate the angst that arises from rejection?
- Why do we desperately try to figure out love?
- Although the locks were removed from the Pont des Arts, lovers still find bridges to adorn with their engraved locks. This is not limited to Paris, as many other cities also have padlock-adorned bridges. Discuss why you think couples are so driven to make such proclamations of their love.
- How could you replicate Gottman’s research?
- Discuss whether you agree or disagree with Satir’s communication styles? Developmentally speaking, how do you think such communication styles develop?
- If you were the director of a clinic that specialized in treating batterers, what treatment protocol do you feel would result in the highest rates of rehabilitation?