9.1: Intercultural Friendships

Chapter Learning Objectives

1. Explore the impact of culture on friendship formation and maintenance.
2. Understand the benefits and challenges of intercultural friendships.
3. Develop a willingness to step outside one's comfort zone and engage with others from different backgrounds.

Intercultural Communication and Relationships

In this era of globalization, people are traveling across geographical, national, and cultural boundaries as never before. For many, establishing relationships with persons different from ourselves can be challenging and rewarding. How do you get to know them? Should you treat those relationships differently than same-culture relationships? Does society influence these new relationships? Learning new customs and traditions can be fun and exciting, but also force us to identify what we think we know about ourselves along with our prejudices and fears. Relationships are hard work and require constant upkeep to combat the challenges that threaten them. It’s no exaggeration to say that we develop and maintain relationships through communication. What you say and what you do becomes part of the relationship. Incorrect interpretations of messages can lead to misunderstanding, uncertainty, frustration, and conflict, but the potential rewards include gaining new cultural knowledge, broadening one’s worldview, and breaking stereotypes (Sias et al., 2008).

Some cultures have traditions of welcoming strangers, while others view outsiders with suspicion. Religious beliefs as well as personal attitudes may play important role. In some cases, outsiders become accepted members of communities only after long periods of time and scrutiny. US Americans tend to be open and receptive to strangers, often divulging personal information much more so than in other cultures. One international student in the US observed: "One thing that was very different from what I was used to in Iceland was that people, even people that I didn't know at all, were telling me their whole life stories, or so it felt like. Even some women at the checkout line at the supermarket were talking about how many times they had been married or divorced or about the money they had, which, in my culture, we are not used to just telling anyone about (Martin & Nakayama, 2010, p. 394)." That openness and candor may not extend to all strangers; depending on the country of origin, the reception in the US may well be much more circumspect. In most cultures, appropriate topics for conversations with strangers do not include personal histories or family relationships. In traditional cultures in the Arab world, for example, asking about a man's wife is taboo. In many cultures, religion, and politics are subjects to avoid.

This chapter will help you gain a better understanding of what to expect when interacting with people who are culturally different from yourself. We will explore the benefits and challenges of intercultural relationships, discuss the different kinds of intercultural relationships, and encourage you with strategies to build solid intercultural relationships.

Benefits of Intercultural Relationships

Increasing Cultural Knowledge

The benefits of intercultural relationships span differences in gender, age, ethnicity, race, class, nationality, religion, and much more. The moment you begin an intercultural relationship, is the moment you begin to learn more about the world. You will start experiencing new foods, listen to new music, learn a new game, practice a new sport, acquire new words or a new dialect, or read new literature that you might never had access to before. In some ways you gain a new “history” as you learn what it means to belong to a new cultural group. Hearing a friend or family member describing their lived experience or stories is often much more compelling or “real” than knowledge gained in school or on television.

Learning New Skills

The difficulties involved in intercultural relationships may help you acquire new skills. According to Docan-Morgan (2015), the skills we develop in all relationships are exaggerated in intercultural relationships. Our diverse friends and loved ones teach us much about the world that we have yet to explore. Docan-Morgan postulates that our newfound understanding of one culture will likely make it easier to relate and feel close to people from many different walks of life. In other words, our intercultural relationships result in new insights and new ways of thinking that we can apply to every relationship.

Challenging Previously Held Stereotypes

Intercultural relationships also help us rethink stereotypes we might hold. Martin and Nakayama (2014) point out that the differences we perceive with our partners tend to be more noticeable in the early stages of the relationship. Because these differences can seem overwhelming, the challenge is to discover the things both partners have in common and build on those similarities to strengthen the relationship. The suffering that one or both partners have gone through at the hands of prejudice can be addressed, and a healing effect can grow and thrive as relational partners learn that their prejudices have little to do with the thriving relationship being built.

Challenges in Intercultural Relationships

Perceived Differences

While intercultural relationships can enrich our lives and provide life-changing benefits, they can also present several challenges. The dialectics discussed in Chapter 2 affect our intercultural relationships. The similarities-differences dialectic in particular may present challenges to relationship formation (Martin & Nakayama, 2010). While differences between people’s cultural identities may be obvious, it takes some effort to uncover commonalities that can form the basis of a relationship. Perceived differences in general also create anxiety and uncertainty that is not as present in intracultural relationships. People experience anxiety or fear about the possible negative consequences of their actions or from being uncertain how to act towards a person from a different culture. Some form of anxiety always exists in the early stages of any relationship, but being worried about offending someone or looking incompetent is more pronounced in intercultural relationships. The level of anxiety may even be higher if people have previous negative experiences. Once some similarities are found, the tension within the dialectic begins to balance out and uncertainty and anxiety lessen.

Motivation

In order to build a relationship across cultural boundaries, there has to be motivation, as intercultural relationships take more work to nurture and maintain. One must explain values, beliefs and behaviors to ourselves, to each other, and to our communities. Every difference, and similarity, must be explored. What does a friendship look like? What are the expectations? What does a romantic relationship look like? Who must approve the relationship? Why would we want to be friends? What taboos exist within the culture? How can we manage the potential questioning or even backlash from our own cultural group? This type of explaining requires time, effort, and patience and may be an extra burden that some are not willing to carry.

Negative Stereotypes

Negative stereotypes are powerful, and often take a conscious effort to detect. They can hinder progress toward relational development, especially if the individuals are not open to adjusting their preexisting beliefs. It’s not impossible for an intercultural relationship to work out. What's critical is to affirm the other person’s cultural identity. We need to recognize that the other person might have different values, beliefs, and behaviors which form both their individual and cultural identities. This requires being open-minded, being interested, being respectful, realizing the similarities, avoiding making assumptions, and celebrating the differences. Intercultural relationships have real challenges, but if things work out, they can be amazing.

Common Types of Intercultural Relationships

Intercultural relationships are formed between people with different cultural identities and include romantic partners, friends, family, and coworkers. Although the term “relationship” is often associated with romance, intercultural relationships can be as varied as the people within them. Colleagues performing a work-related task can develop a friendships. Marrying into a family creates strong familial ties. Eating at the same family-run restaurant each week builds loyalty. This section will explore two of the most common types of intercultural relationships: friendships and romantic relationships.

Intercultural Friendships

Friendship is a unique and important type of interpersonal relationship that constitutes a significant portion of a person’s social life from early childhood all the way through to late adulthood. Friendship is distinguished from other types of relationships by its “voluntary” nature. In other words, friendship occurs when individuals are relatively free from obligatory ties, duties, and other expectations. One can begin or end a friendship as desired.

Studies have shown, not surprisingly, that what draws people together is less demographic similarities of race, age, or class, but rather commonality of interests and values. That seems to be accentuated in online relationships, in which we tend to construct "communities of practice" around those with similar interests, whether that be particular kinds of music, hobbies such as gardening, or political convictions. In those online communities, we care less — and are likely unaware of — factors such as race or ethnicity. Some lament the fact that online relationships, along with our growing obsession with connecting continuously with those communities, has weakened our face-to-face relationships (Turkle's Alone Together, 2011). In the US, this has been noted for some time, with the growth of social media, combined with other social and economic developments, to disengage many from their local communities.

For many of us today, we are likely to have separate groups of online friends/communities and face-to-face relationships. As we do in all relationships, the respective degree of importance of each is likely to change over time. As individual personal relationships become closer, we are likely to engage in self-disclosure of private information, whether that be in person or online. The more we reveal about ourselves, the closer we are likely to grow to one another. The social penetration theory (Altman, 1973) proposes that, as relationships develop, interpersonal communication moves from shallow, superficial topics to more personal and intimate subjects. In the process of forming deeper relationships, issues of diversity become less important. To what extent self-disclosure occurs depends on the individual as much as it does on cultural backgrounds.

Individualism and Collectivism in Intercultural Friendships

Notions about friendship and the idea of what constitutes a friend varies from culture to culture, with significant differences rooted in the values of individualism and collectivism. People who tend to be individualistic often view friendship as a voluntary decision that is more spontaneous and focused on individual goals that might be gained by befriending a particular person. Such goals might include practicing language skills or learning to cook culinary specialties. On the other hand, collectivists may have more obligatory views of friendship. They may see it as a long-term obligation that involves mutual gain such as help with gaining a visa or somewhere to stay during vacations (Wahl & Scholl, 2014). In the United States, the term “friend” is a fairly broad term that applies to many different kinds of relationships. In Eastern European countries, for example, the term “friend” is used in a much more narrow context. What many cultures in the world consider a “friend,” an American would consider a “close friend” (Martin & Nakayama, 2014). Following individualistic tendencies, Americans often form relationships quickly and can come across as informal, forward, intrusive, and superficial. Collectivistic Asian cultures place more emphasis on indirect communication patterns and more stress on maintaining social relationships, sincerity, and spirituality (Barnlund, 1989).

Friendship and Cultural Complexity

Intercultural friendship can be difficult to initiate, develop, and maintain, but that is not to say that different cultures cannot have similar views on friendship. Various cultures can value the same things, such as honesty and trustworthiness, but simply prioritize them differently (Barnlund, 1989). Researchers have found a wide range of important friendship variables such as values, interest, personality traits, network patterns, communication styles, cultural knowledge, relational competence, and intergroup attitudes that impact intercultural friendship formation (Aberson, Shoemaker & Tomolillo, 2004; Yamaguchi & Wiseman, 2003). Even within the United States, views of friendship vary based on cultural identities. Research on friendship has shown that Latinx Americans value relational support and positive feedback, Asian Americans emphasize exchanges of ideas like offering feedback or asking for guidance, African Americans value respect and mutual acceptance, and European Americans value recognition of each other as individuals (Coller, 1996).

Intercultural friendship formation may face challenges that other friendships do not. Prior intercultural experience and overcoming language barriers increase the likelihood of intercultural friendship formation (Sias et al., 2008). In some cases, previous intercultural experience, like studying abroad in college or living in a diverse place, may motivate someone to pursue intercultural friendships once they are no longer in that context. When friendships cross nationality, it may be necessary to invest more time in common understanding, due to language barriers. With sufficient motivation and language skills, communication exchanges through self-disclosure can then further relational formation. Research has shown that individuals from different countries in intercultural friendships differ in terms of the topics and depth of self-disclosure, but that as the friendship progresses, self-disclosure increases in depth and breadth. Further, as people overcome initial challenges to initiating an intercultural friendship and move toward mutual self-disclosure, the relationship becomes more intimate, which helps friends work through and move beyond their cultural differences to focus on maintaining their relationship. In this sense, intercultural friendships can be just as strong and enduring as other friendships.

How friendship is understood varies as well. US Americans tend to have many "friends," but that relationship is not as intimate or strong as that term connotes in many other cultures. In Germany, for example, one tends to have few friends (Freunde) but many acquaintances (Bekannte). It would not be unusual in Germany for someone we have known for years to continue to be a Bekannter, not a Freund. Becoming a Freund might mean switching to the familiar you (du) and addressing each other by first names. Traditionally there is even a short ceremony (Brüderschafttrinken), involving having a drink together.

In many cultures, such as Germany, friends are those with whom we have a special emotional relationship. Collier (1996) investigated what friendship means for different groups within the US. She found that for Hispanics and African-Americans, it took considerably longer to develop a real friendship than was the case for European-Americans. She also found differences in what the groups considered to be important in friendships: "Latinos emphasized relational support, Asian Americans emphasized a caring, positive exchange of ideas, African Americans emphasized respect and acceptance and Anglo [European] Americans emphasized recognizing the needs of individuals” (p. 315). In Asian countries, friendships tend to take longer to develop and to be more long-lasting than in the US. They also tend to involve obligations to one another.

In China, the concept of guanxi (关系) often plays in important role in friendships and in personal relationships (Yeung & Tung, 1996). Guanxi refers to the informal network of social connections built on shared identity such as kinship, place of origin, or profession. The system is particularly important in China for getting things done, such as access to the right school or neighborhood, or finding a good job. It's built on a non-reciprocal obligation system – someone always owes something to someone else (a favor, a connection). According to Jane Yum (1988), this kind of unequal balance helps maintain interpersonal connections in relationships. This is in contrast to the Western concept, common in the US, of short-term and symmetrical reciprocity in relationships. From this perspective, if I owe something to someone (a favor, money), I am not comfortable until that debt is repaid, so that we are "even". In that way, each of us maintains the same independence in the relationship. This in inline with Collier's finding (1996) showing that white Americans' emphasis in friendships is on maintenance of individual needs.

Benefits of Intercultural Friendships

Intriguing research from Sias et al. (2008) indicates that cultural differences can enhance, rather than hinder, friendship development. Cultural differences enhanced friendship development because the participants found those differences interesting and exciting. Those who overcame the challenges of language differences were able to develop rich friendships often with a unique vocabulary that included words created from a mixture of both languages. An example of this could be “Spanglish” which is a mixture of Spanish and English or “Chinglish” which is a mixture of Chinese and English. This idiosyncratic language seemed to strengthen the bond between the friends (Sias et al., 2008).

The potential for broadening one’s perspective and learning more about cultural identities is not always balanced, however. In some instances, members of a dominant culture may be more interested in sharing their culture with their intercultural friend than they are in learning about their friend’s culture, which illustrates how context and power influence friendships. A research study found a similar power dynamic, as European Americans in intercultural friendships stated they were open to exploring everyone’s culture but also communicated that culture wasn’t a big part of their intercultural friendships, as they just saw their friends as people. As the researcher states, “These types of responses may demonstrate that it is easiest for the group with the most socioeconomic and socio-cultural power to ignore the rules, assume they have the power as individuals to change the rules, or assume that no rules exist, since others are adapting to them rather than vice versa” (Collier, 1996). Again, intercultural friendships illustrate the complexity of culture and the importance of remaining mindful of your communication and the contexts in which it occurs.

Attributions

Adapted from:

Communication in the Real World: An Introduction to Communication Studies, by No Attribution- Anonymous by request. Provided by LibreTexts. License: CC-BY-NC-SA

Intercultural Communication for the Community College, by Karen Krumrey-Fulks. Provided by LibreTexts. License: CC-BY-NC-SA

Exploring Intercultural Communication by Tom Grothe. Provided by LibreTexts. License: CC-BY-NC-SA

Image Attributions

Women sitting at a table by Surface on Unsplash is used under free for use license.

References

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