10: Parenting

Childhood Dependence

From a developmental perspective, the goal of parents is to raise independent, capable, and self-directed adults who can succeed in both family and societal roles. A child’s independence is generally very low until adolescence. Teenagers begin to exert independence through a process called individuation.

Individuation is the process of forming a separate identity and reducing dependence on others, particularly parents. Children start separating from their parents around the second year of life, and gradual efforts at independence become visible as they master self-care skills during childhood. Table \PageIndex1\PageIndex{1}\PageIndex1 illustrates the levels of dependence and the child’s ability to nurture others at different stages of life.

Table \PageIndex1\PageIndex{1}\PageIndex1: Children's Dependence and Their Ability to Nurture Others Over Certain Life Course Stages

Parenting from birth through age eighteen requires an understanding of how children develop physically, emotionally, and intellectually. Psychologists and sociologists, including Jean Piaget, Sigmund Freud, Erik Erikson, John B. Watson, George Herbert Mead, and Charles Cooley, have developed theories that guide research on child development. While this text cannot cover every theory in detail, a few core ideas can guide parents in their efforts.

Children from birth to age five have little independence. They cannot survive without adult care and have limited ability to nurture others. They do begin to develop nurturance through play and early interactions. Children ages six to twelve grow physically and develop emotionally and intellectually. They achieve functional independence and can assist adults with tasks. They begin to provide care to younger children, but their reasoning skills for nurturing remain limited. Teenagers from thirteen to eighteen begin to develop abstract reasoning and complex emotional understanding. Most could survive without adult care, but it would be challenging. They are capable of some nurturing, although their emotional responses are often volatile due to hormonal changes.

These differences illustrate that a single parenting approach will not work effectively for all age groups. Additionally, individual children vary in which parenting strategies are most effective, even within the same family.

Young adults who leave home and complete individuation enter a stage of increasing independence while remaining partially dependent on their parents. Many continue to rely on parental support for advice, resources, money, and guidance. Their ability to nurture emotionally and in other ways continues to increase.

When young adults become parents, they join the ranks of billions of parents who have attempted to guide their children. Many young parents view their own parents as valuable sources of experience and knowledge. Research indicates that young parents adjust more successfully when they have support from family and friends. Having a listening ear and access to parental guidance helps these adults balance independence with nurturing responsibilities.

Parenting Paradigms

All parents develop a way of approaching the parenting role, often referred to as a parenting paradigm. A parenting paradigm is a set of ideas or patterns that guide how parents make decisions, respond to children, and carry out their caregiving responsibilities. These paradigms are influenced by multiple factors, including a parent’s own upbringing, education, cultural background, personal values, and experiences.

Parenting paradigms can be habitual or intentional. Habitual paradigms are shaped by how parents were raised. For example, a parent who experienced strict rules in childhood may naturally favor a more structured approach with their own children, while a parent who experienced a more permissive upbringing may prioritize freedom and flexibility. Intentional paradigms are developed consciously, often influenced by parenting books, formal education, workshops, or research on child development.

A parenting paradigm also reflects how parents define their roles and what they hope to accomplish. Some parents prioritize teaching independence and self-reliance, while others emphasize nurturing emotional security, academic achievement, or moral development. Most parents combine multiple goals and strategies, adjusting their approach based on the child’s age, personality, and changing family circumstances.

Understanding one’s parenting paradigm is valuable because it helps parents identify strengths, recognize areas for growth, and adapt strategies to meet the evolving needs of their children. It also helps parents balance guidance with freedom, structure with flexibility, and expectations with support. By reflecting on their own beliefs and practices, parents can make conscious choices that promote the healthy development of their children into capable and confident adults.

Behaviorism and Cognitive Model

The next level in the model presented below in Figure 10.4 is called Behaviorism.

Behaviorism is a theory of learning that states children will repeat behaviors that bring a desired reward and will stop behaviors that result in punishment. All of us, including children, tend to maximize rewards while minimizing punishments. The Behaviorism approach to parenting is a powerful strategy for raising younger children. Preschoolers do not yet have the reasoning skills to fully understand risks, such as traffic dangers.

For example, a four-year-old may not understand why playing near the street is dangerous. A parent who requires a brief time-out when the child goes near the street again is using a behavior-based consequence that teaches boundaries. Ten minutes for a small child may feel like hours, making it a strong deterrent. Non-physical methods, such as time-outs or removal of privileges, are often just as effective as spanking. Numerous studies indicate that non-spanking approaches work well. For instance, a 2008 ABC News poll found that about sixty-five percent of Americans approve of parents spanking children, but only twenty-six percent approve of spanking in schools.

Parents need to understand what constitutes a meaningful reward or punishment for their child. Some children respond to verbal approval or disapproval, while others respond to privileges or time with friends. Once parents know their child’s preferences, they can use rewards and consequences effectively.

Examples of Rewards and Consequences Figure 10.4

Behaviorism is most effective for younger children and should be complemented with a reasoning-based approach, known as the Cognitive Model, as children grow. The Cognitive Model focuses on explaining the reasons behind rules and consequences to help children understand why they should behave in certain ways. After age seven, children develop stronger reasoning skills. Teenagers and young adults can consider abstract reasoning, present their own perspectives, and understand the parent’s perspective.

The Cognitive Model can relieve parental frustration with Behaviorism, which sometimes feels like bribery. Rewards and consequences in Behaviorism are not for selfish purposes; they guide the child toward growth, maturity, and self-discipline. Children, like adults, are motivated to pursue rewards and avoid punishments.

Behaviorism and the Cognitive Model are not perfect and may fail when emotions override reasoning, particularly in teenagers. Even when children act irrationally, these approaches are generally more effective than no system or physical punishment alone.

The next step in the model is to gradually integrate children into responsibilities and eventually adult roles. Parents often hesitate to let children fail, but failures can be powerful learning experiences. Mistakes teach children about their strengths and weaknesses, helping them develop resilience, judgment, and self-confidence. Certain parenting approaches support children in learning from their efforts, while others interfere with the natural learning process.

Parenting Roles and Responsibilities

Parenting involves a wide range of roles and responsibilities that change as children grow and develop. Parents are responsible not only for meeting basic physical needs, such as food, clothing, and shelter, but also for fostering emotional, social, and cognitive growth. These responsibilities include teaching values, modeling behavior, guiding decision-making, and providing consistent support and structure.

The specific ways parents carry out these responsibilities are influenced by their parenting paradigm, the child’s age and temperament, and the family’s cultural and social context. Parents must constantly adapt to their child’s developmental stage. For example, the needs of a newborn are primarily physical and emotional, requiring close supervision and nurturing. As children grow, they develop more independence and begin to require guidance in learning problem-solving, self-regulation, and social skills. Teenagers often benefit from support that balances freedom with accountability, helping them navigate the challenges of individuation while remaining connected to the family.

Parents also perform important roles in preparing children for participation in society. This includes teaching social norms, encouraging responsibility, supporting education, and modeling healthy relationships. Effective parenting requires flexibility, patience, and an understanding that strategies may need to be adjusted for different children even within the same family.

Finally, parents themselves are learners. They gain knowledge and skills from their own experiences, from observing their children, and from guidance offered by family, friends, and professionals. Recognizing the dynamic nature of parenting can help adults approach their role with confidence and intentionality, promoting the growth of children who are independent, capable, and able to nurture others.

Children grow into independent adults gradually. Co-adulthood occurs when young adults are capable of fulfilling responsibilities, confident in their identity, and able to nurture relationships while still benefiting from parental guidance. Even in young adulthood, children continue to rely on parents for advice, support, and resources. The goal of parenting is to guide children toward independence while maintaining supportive connections.

Parents have a critical role in shaping a child’s sense of self-worth. Self-worth is the recognition of one’s value, strengths, and unique traits. Teaching children to appreciate their own abilities and embrace imperfection fosters resilience and confidence. Conversely, shaming children—portraying them as fundamentally flawed or broken—can lead to dependence, low self-esteem, and vulnerability to addiction or maladaptive coping strategies.

Children form self-concepts by comparing actual performance with ideal expectations. Parents help children balance their aspirations with realistic achievements. Encouraging effort, celebrating accomplishments, and consoling children after failures teaches them to learn from mistakes and view themselves as competent individuals.

Figures 5 and 6: Responsibility and Self-Worth
Figure 5 illustrates parents and children working together on household tasks, highlighting opportunities for children to take responsibility and develop competence. Figure 6 demonstrates how children weigh their self-worth by comparing actual performance with ideal expectations. When parents provide guidance, celebrate achievements, and encourage growth, children develop realistic self-concepts and the confidence to pursue adult roles successfully.

By fostering independence, providing guidance, and supporting realistic self-evaluation, mentoring parents help children develop into capable, self-directed adults. Finding the balance between control and freedom is a dynamic process that evolves as children grow, and it lays the foundation for healthy family relationships and adult success.

Finding the balance between control and freedom is essential in parenting. Rescue parents provide too much help, which can make children dependent, while dominating parents exert too much control, limiting independence. Mentoring parents negotiate and share control, guiding children in age-appropriate ways while allowing choices and fostering responsibility. Collaborating on household tasks and nurturing independence helps children develop practical skills, confidence, and self-worth. By supporting realistic expectations, consoling after failures, and encouraging growth, parents prepare children to become capable, self-directed adults who can thrive in their relationships and adult roles.