8.9: Partners as a source of intimacy - Dating, Cohabitation, and Mate Selection (Ob9)

Dating

In general, traditional dating among teens and those in their early twenties has been replaced with more varied and flexible ways of getting together. The Friday night date, with dinner and a movie, may still be enjoyed by those in their thirties. For younger adults this approach to dating often gives way to less formal, more spontaneous meetings that may include several couples or a group of friends. Two people may get to know each other and go somewhere alone. How would you describe a "typical" date? Who calls? Who pays? Who decides where to go? What is the purpose of the date? In general, greater planning is required for people who have additional family and work responsibilities. Teens may simply have to negotiate getting out of the house and carving out time to be with friends.

Cohabitation or Living Together

How prevalent is cohabitation?

There are over five million heterosexual cohabiting couples in the United States and, an additional 594,000 same‐sex couples share households (U. S. Census Bureau, 2006). In 2000, nine percent of women and twelve percent of men were in cohabiting relationships (Bumpass in Casper & Bianchi, 2002). This number reflects only those couples who were together when census data were collected, however. The number of cohabiting couples in the United States today is ten times higher than it was in 1960.

Similar increases have also occurred in other industrialized countries. For example, rates are high in Great Britain, Australia, Sweden, Denmark, and Finland. In fact, more children in Sweden are born to cohabiting couples than to married couples. The lowest rates of cohabitation are in Ireland, Italy, and Japan (Benokraitis, 2005).

How long do cohabiting relationships last?

Cohabitation tends to last longer in European countries than in the United States. Half of cohabiting relationships in the U. S. end within a year; only ten percent last more than five years. These short‐term cohabiting relationships are more characteristics of people in their early twenties. Many of these couples eventually marry. Those who cohabit more than five years tend to be older and more committed to the relationship. Cohabitation may be preferable to marriage for a number of reasons. For partners over sixty five, cohabitation is preferable to marriage for practical reasons. For many of them, marriage would result in a loss of Social Security benefits and consequently is not an option. Others may believe that their relationship is more satisfying because they are not bound by marriage. Consider this explanation from a sixty two year old woman who was previously in a long‐term, dissatisfying marriage. She and her partner live in New York but spend winters in South Texas at a travel park near the beach. “There are about twenty other couples in this park and we are the only ones who aren’t married. They look at us and say, ‘I wish we were so in love’. I don’t want to be like them.” (Author’s files). Consider another couple who have been happily cohabiting for over twelve years. Both had previously been in bad marriages that began as long‐term, friendly, and satisfying relationships. But after marriage, these relationships became troubled marriages. These happily cohabiting partners stated that they believe that there is something about marriage that "ruins a friendship".

The majority of people who cohabit are between the ages of 25‐44. Only about twenty percent of those who cohabit are under age twenty four. Cohabitation among younger adults tends to be short‐lived. Relationships between older adults tend to last longer.

Why do people cohabit?

People cohabit for a variety of reasons. The largest number of couples in the United States engages in premarital cohabitation. These couples are testing the relationship before deciding to marry. About half of these couples eventually get married. The second most common type of cohabitation is dating cohabitation.

These partnerships are entered into for fun or convenience and involve less commitment than premarital cohabitation. About half of these partners break up and about one‐third eventually marry. Trial marriage is a type of cohabitation in which partners are trying to see what it might be like to be married. They are not testing the other person as a potential mate, necessarily; rather, they are trying to find out how being married might feel and what kinds of adjustments they might have to make. Over half of these couples split up. In the substitute marriage, partners are committed to one another and are not necessarily seeking marriage. Forty percent of these couples continue to cohabit after five to seven years (Bianchi & Casper, 2000). Certainly, there are other reasons people cohabit. Some cohabit out of a feeling of insecurity or to gain freedom from someone else (Ridley, C. Peterman, D. & Avery, A., 1978). And many cohabit because they cannot legally marry.

Same‐Sex Couples

Figure 8.9.1: Same Sex Male Couple (Photo Courtesy Salvor Gissurardottir)

Same sex marriage is legal in the U.S., Argentina, Belgium, Canada, Iceland, Norway, Portugal, Sweden, South Africa, Spain, Canada, and the Netherlands. Many other countries either recognize same‐sex couples for the purpose of immigration, grant rights for domestic partnerships, or grant common law marriage status to same‐ sex couples.

Same sex couples struggle with concerns such as the division of household tasks, finances, sex, and friendships as do heterosexual couples. One difference between same sex and heterosexual couples, however, is that same sex couples have to live with the added stress that comes from social disapproval and discrimination. And continued contact with an ex‐ partner may be more likely among homosexuals and bisexuals because of closeness of the circle of friends and acquaintances.