9.12: Productivity at home (Ob14)

Family relationships

Younger and older adults tend to experience more spouse‐related stress than do midlife adults. Midlife adults often have overload stressors such as having too many demands placed on them by children or due to financial concerns. Parents adjust to launching their children into lives of their own during this time. Some parents who feel uncomfortable about their children leaving home may actually precipitate a crisis to keep it from happening or push their child out too soon (Anderson and Sabatelli, 2007). But even a welcomed and anticipated departure can still require adjustment on the part of the parents as they get used to their empty nest.

Adult children typically maintain frequent contact with their parents if for no other reason, for money and advice. Attitudes toward one’s parents may become more accepting and forgiving as parents are seen in a more objective way‐as people with good points and bad. And, as adults, children can continue to be subjected to criticism, ridicule, and abuse at the hand of parents. How long are we “adult children”? For as long as our parents are living, we continue in the role of son or daughter. (I had a neighbor in her nineties who would tell me her “boys” were coming to see her this weekend. Her boys were in their 70s‐but they were still her boys!) But after ones parents are gone, the adult is no longer a child; as one 40 year old man explained after the death of his father, “I’ll never be a kid again.” And adult children, known as boomerang kids, may return home to live temporarily after divorces or if they lose employment.

Being a midlife child sometimes involves kinkeeping; organizing events and communication in order to maintain family ties. Kinkeepers are often midlife daughters (they are the person who tells you what food to bring to a gathering or makes arrangement for a family reunion), but kinkeepers can be midlife sons as well.

Caregiving of a disabled child, spouse, or other family member is part of the lives of some midlife adults. Overall, one major source of stress is that of trying to balance caregiving with meeting the demands of work away from home. Caregiving can have both positive and negative consequences that depend in part on the gender of the caregiver and the person receiving the care. Men and women express greater distress when caring for a spouse than when caring for other family members. Men caregivers who are providing care for a spouse are more likely to experience greater hostility but also more personal growth than noncaregiving males. Men who are caring for disabled children express having more positive relationships with others. Women experience more positive relationships with others and greater purpose in life when caring for parents either in or outside of their home. But women who are caring for disabled children may experience poorer health and greater distress as a result (Marks, 1998).

Intimate Relationships

Single or Spouse‐free?

The number of adults who remain single has increased dramatically in the last 30 years. We have more people who never marry, more widows and more divorcees driving up the number of singles. Singles represent about 25 percent of American households. Singlehood has become a more acceptable lifestyle than it was in the past and many singles are very happy with their status. Whether or not a single person is happy depends on the circumstances of their remaining single.

Many of the research findings about singles reveal that they are not all alike. Happiness with one's status depends on whether the person is single by choice and whether the situation is permanent. Let's look at Stein's (1981) four categories of singles for a better understanding of this.

Voluntary temporary singles

These are younger people who have never been married and divorced people who are postponing marriage and remarriage. They may be more involved in careers or getting an education or just wanting to have fun without making a commitment to any one person. They are not quite ready for that kind of relationship.

These people tend to report being very happy with their single status.

Voluntary permanent singles

These individuals do not want to marry and aren't intending to marry. This might include cohabiting couples who don't want to marry, priests, nuns, or others who are not considering marriage. Again, this group is typically single by choice and understandably more contented with this decision.

Involuntary temporary

These are people who are actively seeking mates. They hope to marry or remarry and may be involved in going on blind dates, seeking a partner on the internet or placing "getting personal" ads in search of a mate. They tend to be more anxious about being single.

Involuntary permanent

These are older divorced, widowed, or never‐married people who wanted to marry but have not found a mate and are coming to accept singlehood as a probable permanent situation. Some are bitter about not having married while others are more accepting of how their life has developed.

Marriage

It has been said that marriage can be the greatest source of happiness or pain in one's life, depending on the relationship. Those who are in marriages can experience deeper happiness and pain than those who are unattached. All marriages are not alike and the same marriage between two people may change through the years. Below we will look at how satisfaction with marriage is affected by the life cycle and two ways to characterizing marriages.

Marital satisfaction & the life cycle

Marital satisfaction has peaks and valleys during the course of the life cycle. Rates of happiness are highest in the years prior to the birth of the first child. It hits a low point with the coming of children. Relationships become more traditional and there are more financial hardships and stress in living. Then it begins to improve when children leave home. Children bring new expectations to the marital relationship. Two people, who are comfortable with their roles as partners, may find the added parental duties and expectations more challenging to meet. Some couples elect not to have children in order to have more time and resources for the marriage. These child‐free couples are happy keeping their time and attention on their partners, careers, and interests.