9.14: Cuber and Harroff (Ob18)

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This classic typology of marriages is based on interviews with 437 highly educated, upper‐middle class people, and ages 35 to 55 (Cuber & Haroff, 1965). All were financially successful and emotionally well adjusted. From their interviews, the researchers found five major types of marriages. Some of these are more intrinsic and some more utilitarian. (One of the merits of this model is that it calls attention to the variation we find in marriages.)

Conflict‐habituated marriages

In these marriages, there is considerable tension and unresolved conflict. Spouses habitually quarrel, nag, and bring up the past. As a rule, both spouses acknowledge their incompatibility and recognize the atmosphere of tension as normal. The subject of the argument hardly seems important, and partners do not resolve or expect to resolve their differences. ‘Of course we don't settle any of the issues. It's sort of a matter of principle not to. Because somebody would have to give in and lose face for the next encounter’, explained a member of a 25 year long conflict‐habituated marriage. The conflict between them is "controlled" meaning it doesn't escalate. And it may be main way the partners interact with one another.

Devitalized relationships

These marriages are characterized as being empty, apathetic relationships which once had something more. Usually couples have been married several years, and over the course of time, the relationship has lost its zest, intimacy, and meaning. Once deeply in love, they recall spending a great deal of time enjoying sex, and having a close emotional relationship in the past. But now they spend little time together, enjoy sex together less, and no longer share many interests and activities. Most of their time is "duty time" together spent entertaining, planning and sharing activities with their children, and participating in community responsibilities and functions. Once their marriage was intrinsic, but now has become utilitarian.

Cuber and Haroff found these to be common among their respondents. Couples accepted this and tried to be "mature" about it. Some attributed it to being in middle‐ age; as a normal part of growing older. Others were resentful, bitter about it and others were ambivalent. Many felt it was appropriate for spouses who have been married for several years and these marriages were stable.

Passive‐congenial

These utilitarian marriages emphasize qualities in the partners rather than emotional closeness. These upper‐middle class couples tended to emphasize civic and professional responsibilities and the importance of property, children, and reputation. Among working class people the focus might be on the need for security or hopes for children. Unlike devitalized marriages, passive‐congenial partners never expected the marriage to be emotionally intense. Instead, they stress the "sensibility" of their decision to marry. There is little conflict, but that does not mean there are no unspoken frustrations. There is little intimacy but the partner's fulfill each other's need for casual companionship. Passive‐congenial marriages are less likely to end in divorce than unions in which partners have high expectations for emotional intensity. But if the marriage fails to fill practical needs, such as economic support or professional advancement, the partners may decide to divorce. Or, if one partner discovers they want more intimacy, they may leave.

Vital

These intrinsic marriages are created out of a desire for being together for the sake of enjoying one another. Vital partners retain their separate identities, but really enjoy sharing activities. They do have conflict, but it is likely to center on real issues rather than on "who said what first" or old grievances. They try to settle disagreements quickly so they can resume the relationship that means so much to them. There are few long‐term areas of tension. Sex is important and pleasurable. Cuber and Haroff found these marriages to be in the minority.

Total marriage

These are also intrinsic. They are like vital marriages but the marriage encompasses even more areas of the partner's lives. Spouses may share work life, friends and leisure activities, as well as home life. They may organize their lives to make it possible to be alone together for long periods. These relationships are emotionally intense. Total marriages were also rare. They may also be at risk for rapid disintegration if the marital quality changes. These partners tend to want such intensity and be dissatisfied with anything less. These marriages also foster a mutual dependency that makes it hard for the remaining partner to adjust in case of death or divorce.