9.17: Remarriage (Ob21)

Rates of remarriage

Half of all marriages are remarriages for at least one partner. But remarriage rates have declined slightly in the past few years. Cohabitation is the main way couples prepare for remarriage, but even when living together, many important issues are still not discussed. Issues concerning money, ex‐spouses, children, visitation, future plans, previous difficulties in marriage, etc. can all pose problems later in the relationship. And few couples engage in premarital counseling or other structured efforts to cover this ground before entering marriage again.

Happiness in remarriage

Reviews are mixed as to how happy remarriages are. Some say that they have found the right partner and have learned from mistakes. But the divorce rates for remarriages are higher than for first marriages. This is especially true in stepfamilies for reasons which we have already discussed. People who have remarried tend to divorce more quickly than do first marriages. This may be due to the fact that they have fewer constraints on staying married (are more financially or psychologically independent).

Factors effecting remarriage

The chances of remarrying depend on a number of things. First, it depends on the availability of partners. As time goes by, there are more available women than men in the marriage pool. Consequently, men are more likely than women to remarry. This lack of available partners is experienced by all women, but especially by African‐American women where the ratio of women to men is quite high. Women are more likely to have children living with them, and this diminishes the chance of remarriage as well. And marriage is more attractive for males than females (Seccombe & Warner, 2004). Men tend to remarry sooner (3 years after divorce on average vs. 5 years on average for women).

Many women do not remarry because they do not want to remarry. Traditionally, marriage has provided more benefits to men than to women. Women typically have to make more adjustments in work (accommodating work life to meet family demands or the approval of the husband) and at home (taking more responsibility for household duties). Further, men's physical desirability is not as influenced by aging as is women's. The cultural emphasis on youth and physical beauty for women does not apply for men.

Education increases men’s likelihood of remarrying but may reduce the likelihood for women. Part of this is due to the expectation (almost an unspoken rule) referred to as the "marriage gradient". This rule suggests among couples, the man is supposed to have more education than the woman. Today, there are more women with higher levels of education than before and women with higher levels are less likely to find partners matching this expectation. Being happily single requires being economically self‐sufficient and being psychologically independent. Women in this situation may find remarriage much less attractive.

How Do Children Influence Recoupling/Repartnering?

Children lower the probability of remarriage, especially for women. One of the reasons for this is because women with children have less time and fewer resources for dating. Dating is difficult for a woman who has to find a babysitter, pay for a babysitter, and 'come home on time' if she is concerned about what her children think about her relationships. There is more guilt experienced with going out, and finding the time and location for sexual intimacy can be problematic. Men may shy away from the responsibility of children or may find it difficult to get along with a girlfriend's children. And parents may find it difficult to date someone who wants to change the relationship they have with their children. Sometimes, she may feel pulled in two directions as the children and the man in her life all seek attention and engage in power struggles to get it. Some women decide that it is easier to be single than to experience such divisions. (This can also be true for men whose dates try to establish their importance over the importance of the children.) Children usually remain central to a single parent's life.

Courtship in Remarriage

Courtships are shorter in remarriage than in first marriages. When couples are "dating", there is less going out and more time spent in activities at home or with the children. So the couple gets less time together to focus on their relationship. Anxiety or memories of past relationships can get in the way. As one Talmudic scholar suggests "when a divorced man marries a divorced woman, four go to bed." (Secombe & Warner, 2004). Remarried couples tend to have more realistic expectations for marriage, but also tend to be less willing to stay in unhappy situations. And re‐divorce is more likely, especially when children are involved.