9.4: Marital Status and Divorce in Middle Age

Stein's Typology of Singles

Many of the research findings about singles reveal that they are not all alike. Happiness with one's status depends on whether the person is single by choice and whether the situation is permanent. Let's look at Stein's four categories of singles for a better understanding of this.

Stein's Four Categories of Singles

Voluntary temporary singles

These are people who have never been married or divorced people who are postponing potential remarriage. They may be more involved in careers or getting an education or prefer not to make a commitment to an intimate relationship for many reasons. These people tend to report being very happy with their single status. They are single by choice (voluntary), but not committed to another - or committed to staying single (temporary).

Voluntary permanent singles

These individuals do not want to marry and aren't intending to marry. This term could be a bit of a misnomer since it might also include cohabiting individuals who don't want to marry or others who are not considering marriage. These singles choose (voluntary) to be single - and plan to stay that way (permanent). 

Involuntary temporary

These are people who are actively seeking partners. They hope to have a long term commitment (often though marriage) and may be involved in going on blind dates, seeking a partner on the internet or asking friends if they know someone who might be a good match. Not surprisingly, the involuntary temporary singles tend to be more anxious about their status. 

Involuntary permanent

These are older divorced, widowed, or never-married people who wanted to marry but have not found a mate and are coming to accept singlehood as a probable permanent situation. Some are bitter about not having married or partnered while others are more accepting of how their life has developed.

Figure 9.4.1 (Unsplash license; Katherine Hanlon via Unsplash)

Marriage

It has been said that marriage can be the greatest source of happiness or pain in one's life, depending on the relationship. All marriages are not alike and the same marriage between two people may change through the years. Below we will look at how satisfaction with marriage is affected by the life cycle and two ways to characterizing marriages.

Marital Satisfaction and the Life Cycle

Marital satisfaction has peaks and valleys during the course of the life cycle. Rates of happiness tend to be highest in the years prior to the birth or adoption of a first child. It hits a low point with the coming of children (recall Attachment Theory and that effective care-giving requires a lot of focus on the children). Then, it begins to improve as children grow and again when they leave home. Children bring new expectations to the marital relationship. Two people, who are comfortable with their roles as partners, may find the added parental/caregiver duties and expectations more challenging to meet. Some couples elect not to have children in order to have more time and resources for the marriage. These child-free couples are happy keeping their time and attention on their partners, careers, and interests.

One way marriages vary is with regard to the reason the partners are married. Some marriages have intrinsic value: the partners are together because they enjoy, love and value one another. Marriage is not thought of as a means to another end-is an end in itself. These partners look for someone they are drawn to and with whom they feel a close and intense relationship. These partners find the relationship personally rewarding. Other marriages called utilitarian marriages are unions entered primarily for practical reasons. The partners see one another as a means to an end. The marriage may bring financial security, children, social approval, housekeeping, political favor, a good car, a great house, and so on. These partners do not focus on intimacy. These marriages may be chosen more out of default. ("This person was there when it was time to get married so here we are.") Marriages entered for practical reasons are more common throughout history and throughout the world. Intrinsic marriages are a relatively recent phenomenon arising out of the 20^th century focus on romantic love as a basis for marriage and increased independence of the partners. Marriage today is viewed as less necessary for economic survival. In general, utilitarian marriages tend to be more stable than intrinsic ones. In an intrinsic marriage, if the love or passion cools, there is nothing else to keep the partners together. In utilitarian marriages, there may be numerous ties to one another (children, property, and status). However, intrinsic marriages may be more romantically satisfying. Are most marriages intrinsic or utilitarian? In reality, marriages fall somewhere in between these two extremes.

Marital Communication

Advice on how to improve one’s marriage is centuries old. One of today’s experts on marital communication is John Gottman. Gottman (1999) differs from many marriage counselors in his belief that having a strong marriage does not depend on compatibility. Rather, the way that partners communicate with one another is crucial. At the University of Washington in Seattle, Gottman has measured the physiological responses of thousands of couples as they discuss issues of disagreement. Fidgeting in one’s chair, leaning closer to or further away from the partner while speaking, increases in respiration and heart rate are all recorded and analyzed along with videotaped recordings of the partners’ exchanges. Gottman believes he can accurately predict whether or not a couple will stay together by analyzing their communication. In marriages destined to fail, partners engage in the “marriage killers”: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each of these undermines the politeness and respect that healthy marriages require. And stonewalling, or shutting someone out, is the strongest sign that a relationship is destined to fail.

Figure 9.4.2 (Unsplash license; Eric Ward via Unsplash)

Divorce

One way to understand divorce is to look at the types of divorces people experience when a relationship ends. Dissolution of marriage can be emotionally charged and complex because at least six processes happen all at the same time with varying intensities. These processes can be painful and confusing. The six overlapping "stations" are:

The emotional divorce. This involves a lot of mini-divorces in which partners make alienating remarks to one another. Partners become disengaged from one another and emotionally withdrawn. Some couples divorce emotionally, but not legally.

The legal divorce involves court proceedings and negotiations that legally dissolve the partners’ marital ties to one another. This is when society views a couple as divorced and may be a process that is somewhat anticlimactic. The actual time spent in the courtroom may be brief and the final culmination of much of what has occurred in the other stations of divorce.

The economic divorce involves the division of property and debt, determining whether alimony will be paid, and determining if a spouse who provided support while their partner was in school or other lengthy training that increased their earning potential will be entitled to future earnings. Sometimes custody battles are motivated by economic concerns.

The co-parental divorce is experienced by those couples who have children together. Determining custody and visitation are part of this station of divorce. This can be the most difficult station of divorce.

The community divorce is perhaps given the least attention when thinking of divorce. This involves severing ties with neighbors, coworkers, friends, and relatives following divorce. When family and friends choose sides in a break-up, relationships are lost. Divorced adults may find that they are no longer included in events and ties are no longer maintained. A person begins to get used to their single status. This may initially involve a sense of anxiety about the future.

The psychic divorce takes the longest to complete. This involves grieving, becoming more objective about one’s role in the break up, and feeling whole again as a single person. This transition may take 5 years or more. Many people never complete this because they remarry before getting to this point.

Middle Adults Returning to Education

Midlife adults in the United States often find themselves in college classrooms. In fact, the rate of enrollment for older Americans entering college, often part-time or in the evenings, is rising faster than traditionally aged students. Students over age 35 are expected to comprise 19% of of all college and graduate students by 2020 (Holland, 2014). In some cases, older students are developing skills and expertise in order to launch a second career, or to take their career in a new direction. Whether they enroll in school to sharpen particular skills, to retool and reenter the workplace, or to pursue interests that have previously been neglected, older students tend to approach the learning process differently than younger college students (Knowles, Holton, & Swanson, 1998).

The mechanics of cognition, such as working memory and speed of processing, gradually decline with age. However, they can be easily compensated for through the use of higher order cognitive skills, such as forming strategies to enhance memory or summarizing and comparing ideas rather than relying on rote memorization (Lachman, 2004).

Figure 9.4.2: "Use it or lose is" applies to mind and body. (Pexels license; Andrea Piacquadio via Pexels)

Although older students may take a bit longer to learn material, they are less likely to forget it quickly. Adult learners tend to look for relevance and meaning when learning information. Older adults have the hardest time learning material that is meaningless or unfamiliar. They are more likely to ask themselves, "Why is this important?" when being introduced to information or when trying to memorize concepts or facts. Older adults are more task-oriented learners and want to organize their activity around problem-solving. However, these differences may decline as new generations, equipped with higher levels of education, begin to enter midlife.

To address the educational needs of those over 50, The American Association of Community Colleges (2016) developed the Plus 50 Initiative that assists community colleges in creating or expanding programs that focus on workforce training and new careers for the plus-50 population. Since 2008 the program has provided grants for programs to 138 community colleges affecting over 37, 000 students. The participating colleges offer workforce training programs that prepare 50 plus adults for careers in such fields as early childhood educators, certified nursing assistants, substance abuse counselors, adult basic education instructors, and human resources specialists. These training programs are especially beneficial as 80% of people over the age of 50 say they will retire later in life than their parents/caregivers or continue to work in retirement, including in a new field.

Contributors and Attributions

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 Lumen and Noba International License and remixed by Heather Valle

ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC by-NC-SA 4.0) through Noba Project

Lifespan Development, A Psychological Perspective Open Education Resource (OER) textbook funded by a grant from the College of Lake County Foundation and supported by the Business and Social Sciences Division.http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/ by Martha Lally and Suzanne Valentine-French remixed by Heather Valle

Adams, K. B.(2012) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...id-life-regret

Psyc 200 Lifespan Psychology. Authored by: Laura Overstreet. Located at: http://opencourselibrary.org/econ-201/. License: CC BY: Attribution

https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/update----us-census-bureau-facts-for-features-unmarried-and-single-americans-week-sept-18-24-2016-300318929.html