6: Love and Intimacy

Love and intimacy go hand in hand. Love is the physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or social affection one person holds for another. Concepts related to love include: adore, desire, prefer, possess, care for, serve, and even worship. Intimacy, on the other hand, is a close relationship where mutual acceptance, nurturance, and trust are shared at some level. In order to understand love in human relationships, you must first understand how the socialized self either enhances or inhibits your capacity to love.

Your socialized self develops under the supervision of your caregiver or parent(s). When you were a newborn, you were totally dependent upon the adults in your life to take care of your needs and raise you in a safe environment. You had to be fed and clothed, bathed and held, and loved and appreciated. Your caregivers provided these basic needs in your early development, and during this time, attachments were formed. An attachment is an emotional and social bond that forms between one person and another. Humans are considered highly motivated to form attachments throughout their lives.

Attachments are crucial to human existence and are essentially the emotional context of those relationships we form in life. As an infant you learned to trust those who cared for you; you learned that they returned once they were out of view and were dependable. Eventually, as your cognitive development matures, your brain allows you to love the person you are attached to and to care for them-whether or not they are caring for you. You learn then that your attachments begin to facilitate your needs and wants being met. How you attached as an infant and young child shape (at least in theory) how you will likely attach as an adult. For example if you had strong attachments in childhood, then forming adult relationships should be easier for you; if you had weak or interrupted attachments in childhood, then forming adult relationships would be more difficult.

As adults one of the very first symptoms that you are falling in love is that you begin to feel better about yourself when you are with the other person. It can be argued that you can only be in love as much as your self will allow you to be. Why? Because intimacy develops along with love, and intimacy requires that you have the ability to be your true self with the other person. Figure 1 shows the "Zone of Vulnerability," or the birthplace of intimacy. The photos of the young man and woman in this figure represent you and your other and how you traverse the dangers of getting to know someone while you enter and reside in the zone of vulnerability. The male and female in this figure start as experiencing a certain safety that comes from keeping safely away from relationships, away from personal conversations, and away from any risks of being hurt (or hurt again).

She or he can go to classes, work, social events, even on dates and never leave her or his private comfort zone. But if, and when, intimacy and love enters the equation, you have to leave your safety zone. Typically when two strangers meet, they self-disclose. Self- disclosure is the process of revealing the true nature of oneself to another person. Once you or the other person open-up and share something vulnerable (see the blue arrow in the diagram) you enter an emotional minefield of sorts; you become at risk for hurt. Your fears and pains from past relationships, your feelings of being emotionally vulnerable or naked, and especially your fears of being exposed as a flawed individual all contribute to the process of you letting the other person peek into the nature of your true self.

This sifting process is shaped by countless interactions with others that preceded this moment in time. The sifting through past experiences can make it very risky for some, but, once you self-disclose, the potential for intimacy and love can be realized. There is a greater chance of intimacy developing when the other person reciprocates by self-disclosing, or returns your efforts to connect. For example, let's say that the male and female in this figure had their pictures taken so that they could submit them to the university cheer squad tryouts. On the day of tryouts they meet one another for the first time and make casual conversation in the registration line.

During tryouts they are assigned to team up to perform a series of lifts. Circumstances have brought them together, but intimacy is typically more deliberate. He might ask, "Where did you cheer in high school?" She might tell him the school name and place then ask, "What about you?" At this level of questioning, just talking is mildly risky, but they are only talking at a level called shop-talk which is safe conversation about superficial things (places, time, weather, etc.). If she came back with a question of her own such as, "What do you think the chances are we make the team?" she has begun a conversation about opinions and feelings. He might reply, "I think we have as good a chance as the others. I hope we both make it." "I need the scholarship, and I'm majoring in dance so it will help me keep in shape." What about you?" "I'm majoring in communications. The scholarship would be great, too. Hey, would you like to go get a drink or something..."

In this example, their shop-talk quickly transformed into the mutual sharing of personal information. This is essential for intimacy to have a chance to form. Perhaps if they feel safe enough over time and with a number of interactions, they can become very close and trusting of one another as friends or lovers. Consider what might have happened if the conversation went like this: He might ask, "Where did you cheer in high school?" She might tell him the school name and place. Then continue packing her things making no more comments. "My name is Jeff what's yours?" He might ask, extending his hand to shake. "Melissa. Good luck with the tryouts." As she walks away not shaking his hand nor making eye contact. Because mutual involvement did not occur, intimacy stopped before it ever really had a chance.

Remember, once self-disclosure takes place, the risk factor comes into play. If selfdisclosure is mutually reciprocated then intimacy may begin. If it is not reciprocated, then intimacy typically will not develop. We are built to experience love. Psychologists and biologists will likely argue that our attractions are connected to our testosterone, oxytocin, luteinizing, estrogens, serotonin, dopamine, epinephrine, norepinephrine, and other chemicals and hormones levels in our bodies. Sociologists will likely argue that the need for social relationships, especially attachments, drive much of our daily social interactions with others. Theologians will likely argue that love is divine and is part of our eternal natures.