13.4: Avoiding Communication

All of us have vulnerabilities in our lives. We tend to cover them up and hide them for fear of them being exposed. Interestingly, when we find that when we get to know someone we really care about and they accept our vulnerabilities, it is a sign of love that often supports a decision to pair off together. Some people don't ever want to experience conflict. Conflict avoidant people tend to work extra hard to avoid conflict with others and often sacrifice the needed attention to issues that is required for a relationship to last. Conflict avoidant people rarely complain and some live like this forever while others experience a buildup of feelings and are very unhappy.

Each of us has painful experiences that are difficult to deal with. Sometimes we suppress them and bury them in the back of our mind. Sometimes we deny they even occurred. Sometimes we take these issues from our past and lay them onto our current relationships or project them onto our current partner. In all cases, the root core issue is difficult to access, yet still plays an important role in our daily interactions. Fear is very destructive to relationships. Fear is like a loud speaker of an emotion that can drown out reason and other emotions that pertain to our relationships. It is easy to respond to and often hard to understand.

Fear is like a super hot pepper. Our other emotions are more subtle like a grape. It is very difficult to taste a grape while simultaneously chewing on a hot pepper. Fears come from past hurts and pains. Rarely do they guide us in rationally effective ways. It's estimated that \(90 \%\) of what we fear never happens. If the ten percent does occur most of us can turn to others for support and get through it. Fear can shut open communication completely off and if we can manage our fears they will not manage us.

There are gender differences in how we communicate. Table \(\PageIndex{1}\) shows a comparison of a psychologist's and a sociologist's take on gender differences in communication. Gray puts our genetic biological traits which stem from XX or XY at the core of why we talk and converse the way we do. He claims that we are built from the molecule up to be a predictable type of communicator. Many in his field criticize his conclusions and especially his claim that men and women may be a different species from one another.

Tannen talks about how we are socialized or raised by those around us. To her it's about what we learn to expect from ourselves in the role of males or females that shapes how we communicate. The research she presents allows us to see how men are raised aware of their place in society. They are constantly aware that someone around them is bigger, stronger, faster, richer, etc. They know their place and work hard not to have someone of higher status put them down. Tannen claims that this approach to relationships-avoiding being put down and being very aware of status issues-is why many men refrain from opening up in conversation. Opening up puts them at risk of being put down.

To Tannen, women are raised in the context of relationships. They spend much of their lives reinforcing and strengthening relationships with friends and family. They are aware that informal rules guide their relationships and they put a great deal of effort into how to maintain good relationships so that they don't find themselves socially isolated from others. This is why women tend to maintain more relationships than men and why men and women struggle to connect. Women approach the conversation with an effort to connect and maintain the relationship while men approach it trying to gain status or not be put at risk.

The real value of any gender self-help communication book is not that it identifies what all women or all men will say-that never happens because there is no generalized pattern of communication that all men or women fit into. The ultimate value of self-help gender communication books is to expand your understanding enough to see that your spouse or friend may simply be different from you and not wrong, mean, or uncooperative.

Table \(\PageIndex{1}\) : Comparison of Two Gender Communication Self-Help Paradigms.

John Gray (2004) Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus "It's about your genetic blological composition"	Deborah Tannen (2001) You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation "It's about how you are socialized"
Men are: - One side brain users who hunt - Strong emotional people who solve problems alone (in caves)	Men are: - Raised to compete and be independent - Status seekers who protect themselves from being put down
Women are: - Two side brain users who nurture - Feeling people who solve problems with others (in groups)	Women are: Raised to connect to others while minimizing differences - Seek consensus while avoiding appearance of being superior

Affectionate communication is an indicator of positive relationships. It is characterized by verbal statements such as "I love you"; nonverbal gestures such as holding hands; and social support behaviors such as helping behaviors and sharing information (Floyd \& Mormon, 1998). People who rank high in effective communication tend to have lower levels of depression and stress; higher levels of self-esteem, happiness, and social activity; and higher levels of relational satisfaction within their romantic relationships (Floyd, 2002).

In a study of sibling communication, Myers (2015) found that siblings who classify their relationship as intimate (considered a best friendship) use affectionate communication at a higher rate than those who classify their relationship as congenial (considered as good friends) loyal (relationships bound by shared family background rather than by friendship), or apathetic/hostile (lacking positive psychological involvement and solidarity).