13.3: Non-Verbal Communication

Another crucial part of communication is the ability to communicate at the non-verbal level. Both non-verbal and verbal communication is essential for truly understanding one another. Non-verbal communication includes touch, gestures, facial expression, eye contact, distance, and overall body positioning. Touch is an essential part of the human experience. For the most part, women are very clear on which types of touch they give and receive. Women have cultural permission to be more affectionate with one another in the U.S. Men typically refrain from touching other men in heterosexual contexts (except in sports). Men touch women more than other men. Interestingly, comparing male to female newborns, most males enjoy their mothers' physical closeness while the females enjoy the social interactions. Men have difficulties in distinguishing the varieties of touch and their intended purposes.

Gestures vary between cultures. You've heard the phrase "talking with your hands." This is common in various parts of the U.S. among hearing individuals. Hands are moved in conjunction with words to emphasize and illustrate the point being shared. Deaf persons also communicate with a common form of non-verbal language called American Sign Language. Many parents teach ASL to their smaller children because toddlers can learn signs long before they can verbally articulate words. Gestures reinforce verbal messages and can be very useful in understanding a person's intended message.

Eye contact is an extremely important aspect of communication. Making eye contact is difficult for some because the eyes truly do tell on the state of one's emotions. The most common form of faking eye contact is the eye brow or forehead stare. Men are especially guilty of this because they are trying to communicate and as Deborah Tannen pointed out also trying not to be vulnerable (Tannen, 2007).

The average person in main stream U.S. society needs about 30-36 inches of space between him or her and another person. Strangers keep this distance where possible. Intimates close the gap to the point where they are very close side-by-side, touching at the hip, legs, etc. When people argue they often increase the distance. When people are being formally introduced to another they often maintain it. We not only want about three feet distance between us and others, we also want people to stay about that far away from our desk, doors, and even vehicles. This is in part why elevators are so uncomfortable; they don't easily give us our three feet of space. Closing that distance with a stranger can be viewed as an act of aggression.

Finally, body positioning can be very insightful to a person's disposition. You've probably already heard about the body positions that close other people out. There is the folding of the arms across the chest, the crossing of one's legs, and the turning oneself around offering the back rather than the front to another person.

Therapists use verbals and non-verbals to assess both mood and affect. Mood is one's state of emotional being and is typically detected by the words and patterns of speaking a person uses. Affect is one's emotion or current feeling and is judged by a person's non-verbal messages.