4.3: Intimacy and Self-Disclosure

Intimacy and the Zone of Vulnerability

Intimacy includes feelings of closeness and bonding, and provides the ability to be your true self with the other person. I would argue that falling into love is truly about falling into a safe sense of self in that intimacy. Falling out of love is truly about lost trust, lost safety, and lost self once the relationship has reached a point of trouble.

Figure 1 shows the “Zone of Vulnerability,” or the birthplace of intimacy. The photos of the young man and woman in his figure represent you and your other and how you traverse the dangers of getting to know someone while you enter and reside in the zone of vulnerability. The guy and gal in this figure as total strangers to one another enjoy a certain safety that comes by keeping safely away from relationships, away from personal conversations, and away from any risks of being hurt (or hurt again).

One can attend classes, work, social events, even go out on dates and never leave their private comfort zone. It doesn't take much to mask the fact that you are hiding safely away from risks, even when outwardly you appear to be very confident and socially skilled (watch the Movie “Hitch, 2005 with Will Smith, Eva Mendes, and Kevin James).

But if and when intimacy and love enters the equation, you have to leave your safety zone. Typically when two strangers meet they self-disclose. Self-disclosure is the process or revealing the true nature of oneself to another person. Once you or the other person open up and share something vulnerable (see the blue arrow in the diagram) you enter an emotional mine field of sorts. You become at risk. Your fears and pains from past relationships, your feelings of being emotionally vulnerable or naked, and especially your fears of being exposed as a flawed individual all sift the process of you letting the other person sneak a peek into the nature of your true self.

This sifting process is shaped by countless interactions with others that preceded this moment in time. The sifting through past experiences can make it very risky for some.

But once you self-disclose, the potential for intimacy and love can be realized. There is a greater chance of intimacy developing when the other person self-discloses back to you, or reciprocates your efforts to connect. For example, let's say that the guy and gal in this figure had their pictures taken so they could submit them to the university cheer squad tryouts. On the day of tryouts they meet one another for the first time and make casual conversation in the registration line.

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\). The Zone of Vulnerability-The Birthplace of Intimacy

 

During tryouts they are assigned to team up to perform a series of lifts. Circumstances have brought them together, but intimacy is typically more deliberate. He might ask,

“Where did you cheer in high school?”

She might tell him the school name and place then ask, “What about you?” At this level of questioning, just talking is mildly risky, but they are only talking at a level called "shop talk," which is safe conversation about superficial things (places, time, weather, etc.). If she came back with a question of her own such as, “What do you think the chances are we make the team?” she has begun a conversation about opinions and feelings.

He might reply, “I think we have as good a chance as the others. I hope we both make it.

Hey, uh, you sound like you really need this to happen.”

“Yeah, I need the scholarship and I'm majoring in dance so it will help me keep in shape. What about you?”

“Oh, I'm majoring in pre-law. The scholarship would be great, too. Hey, would you like to go get a juice or something…?”

In this example, their shop talk quickly transformed into the mutual sharing of personal information. This is essential for intimacy to have a chance to form. Perhaps, if they feel safe enough over time and with a number of interactions they can become very close and trusting of one another as friends or lovers. It's nice that it works that way sometimes, but truth be known we more often miss than hit when forming intimate relationships.

Consider what might have happened if the conversation went like this: He might ask,

“Where did you cheer in high school?” She might tell him the school name and place.

Then continue packing her things, making no more comments. “My name is Jeff. What's yours?” He might ask, extending his hand to shake. “Melisa. Good luck with the tryouts,” as she walks away not shaking his hand nor making eye contact. Because mutual involvement did not occur, intimacy stopped before it every really had a chance.

Remember, once self-disclosure take place the risk factor comes into play. If self-disclosure is mutually reciprocated then intimacy may begin. If it is not reciprocated then intimacy typically will not develop. We are built to experience love. Psychologists and biologists will tell you that best friends or not, chemicals either reinforce feelings of love or inhibit them. Our attractions are connected to our testosterone, oxytocin, luteinizing, estrogens, serotonin, dopamine, epinephrine, norepinephrine, and other chemicals and hormone levels in our bodies. Sociologists will tell you that the need for social relationships, especially attachments, drive much of our daily social interactions with others.