10.13: Relationships during Late Adulthood (Ob19, Ob20)

Grandparenting

Grandparenting typically begins in midlife rather than late adulthood, but because people are living longer, they can anticipate being grandparents for longer periods of time. Cherlin and Furstenberg (1986) describe three styles of grandparents:

1. Remote: These grandparents rarely see their grandchildren. Usually they live far away from the grandchildren, but may also have a distant relationship. Contact is typically made on special occasions such as holidays or birthdays. Thirty percent of the grandparents studied by Cherlin and Furstenberg were remote.
2. Companionate Grandparents: Fifty‐five percent of grandparents studied were described as "companionate". These grandparents do things with the grandchild but have little authority or control over them. They prefer to spend time with them without interfering in parenting. They are more like friends to their grandchildren.
3. Involved Grandparents: Fifteen percent of grandparents were described as "involved". These grandparents take a very active role in their grandchild's life. Their children (and grandchildren) might even live with the grandparent. The involved grandparent is one who has frequent contact with and authority over the grandchild.

An increasing number of grandparents are raising grandchildren today. Issues such as custody, visitation, and continued contact between grandparents and grandchildren after parental divorce are contemporary concerns.

Marriage and Divorce

Fifty‐six percent of people over 65 are married. The majority of older men and just over 40 percent of older women are married (He et al., 2005). Seven percent of older men and 9 percent of older women are divorced and about 4 percent of older adults have never married. Many married couples feel their marriage has improved with time and the emotional intensity and level of conflict that might have been experienced earlier, has declined. This is not to say that bad marriages become good ones over the years, but that those marriages that were very conflict‐ridden may no longer be together, and that many of the disagreements couples might have had earlier in their marriages may no longer be concerns. Children have grown and the division of labor in the home has probably been established. Men tend to report being satisfied with marriage more than do women. Women are more likely to complain about caring for a spouse who is ill or accommodating a retired husband and planning activities. Older couples continue to engage in sexual activity, but with less focus on intercourse and more on cuddling, caressing, and oral sex (Carroll, 2007).

Divorce after long‐term marriage does occur, but is not very common. However, with the number of older adults on the rise, the divorce rate is likely to increase. A longer life expectancy and the expectation of happiness cause some older couples to begin a new life after divorce after 65. Consider Betty who divorced after 40 years of marriage. Her marriage had never been ideal but she stuck with it hoping things would improve and because she didn't want to hurt her husband's reputation (he was in a job in which divorce was frowned upon). But she always hoped for more freedom and happiness in life and once her family obligations were no longer as great (the children and grandchildren were on their own), she and her husband divorced. She characterized this as an act of love in that both she and her ex‐husband were able to pursue their dreams in later life (Author’s notes). Older adults who have been divorced since midlife tend to have settled into comfortable lives and, if they have raised children, to be proud of their accomplishments as single parents.

Widowhood

Twenty‐nine percent of people over 65 are widowed (U. S. Census Bureau, 2011). The death of a spouse is one of life's most disruptive experiences. It is especially hard on men who lose their wives. Often widowers do not have a network of friends or family members to fall back on and may have difficulty expressing their emotions to facilitate grief. Also, they may have been very dependent on their mates for routine tasks such as cooking, cleaning, etc. In addition, they typically expect to precede their wives in death, and by losing a wife, have to adjust to something unexpected. However, if a man can adjust, he will find that he is in great demand, should he decide to remarry.

Widows may have less difficulty because they are more likely to have a social network and can take care of their own daily needs. They may have more difficulty financially if their husbands have handled all the finances in the past. They are much less likely to remarry because many do not wish to and because there are fewer men available. At 65, there are 73 men to every 100 women. The sex ratio becomes even further imbalanced at 85 with 48 men to every 100 women (U. S. Census Bureau, 2011).

Loneliness or solitude?

Loneliness is a discrepancy between the social contact a person has and the contacts a person wants (Brehm et al., 2002). It can result from social or emotional isolation. Women tend to experience loneliness as a result of social isolation; men from emotional isolation. Loneliness can be accompanied by a lack of self‐worth, impatience, desperation, and depression. This can lead to suicide, particularly in older, white, men who have the highest suicide rates of any age group; higher than Blacks, and higher than for females. Rates of suicide continue to climb and peaks in males after age 85 (National Center for Health Statistics, CDC, 2002).

Being alone does not always result in loneliness. For some, it means solitude. Solitude involves gaining self‐awareness, taking care of the self, being comfortable alone, and pursuing one’s interests (Brehm et al., 2002). Winnie, aged 80, describes her life alone as comfortable and meaningful. “I’m up early to take care of my 3 year old great‐ granddaughter who stays with me. We play and have lunch and later her mother comes after her. I love to sing and sing all the time. I sing in the choir. . . I enjoy my mornings at the kitchen table with my coffee. And me and Coco (her dog) enjoy sitting in the sun.” (Author’s notes).