8.6: Relationships

School-Age Relationships

Stages of Friendship

Friendship development typically follows three stages, as children and adolescents learn how to form and maintain meaningful social connections. These stages reflect increasing levels of understanding, trust, and emotional depth in friendships.

1. Early (Superficial) Friendship (Stage of Play-Based Friendship)

In early childhood, friendships are often based on proximity and shared activities rather than deep emotional connections. Young children (around ages 3-7) see friends as playmates—someone who is fun to be around. Friendships at this stage are often temporary, based on convenience, and can change quickly. Children may say someone is their "best friend" one day and not the next, as their friendships are fluid and situation-dependent. Conflict resolution skills are still developing, so disagreements may lead to the end of a friendship rather than efforts to repair it.

2. Middle (Mutual Trust and Assistance) Friendship

As children grow (ages 8-12), friendships become more stable and based on mutual interests, trust, and emotional support. At this stage, children begin to value qualities like loyalty, kindness, and reliability in their friends. They start to confide in one another and provide emotional support during difficult times. Conflicts may still occur, but children are more likely to work through disagreements rather than end the friendship immediately. The ability to understand a friend’s perspective (empathy) begins to develop, making relationships more meaningful.

3. Mature (Emotional and Intimate) Friendship

In adolescence and beyond (ages 13+), friendships become deeper, more intimate, and emotionally significant. These friendships are based on shared values, personal identity, and emotional connection rather than just shared activities. Trust and self-disclosure increase, and friends provide one another with guidance, reassurance, and emotional validation. Teenagers and adults begin to appreciate the complexity of relationships, navigate conflicts with greater maturity, and prioritize friendships that align with their personal beliefs and goals. Friendships at this stage often play a crucial role in self-esteem, identity development, and emotional well-being.

These three stages show how friendships evolve from simple playmates in childhood to lifelong emotional connections in adulthood, shaping social skills, personal growth, and emotional health.

Selman’s Five Stages of Friendship

Selman's Five Stages of Friendship describe the developmental stages of friendship in children and adolescents. These stages focus on how children's understanding of friendship evolves as they grow older, moving from egocentric views to more sophisticated, empathetic understandings. Selman, a psychologist, identified these stages based on his work with children’s social and moral development.

1. Stage 0: Momentary Playmateship (Ages 3-6)

At this stage, children view friendships primarily in terms of physical proximity and shared activities. Friendships are based on immediate needs, such as playing together or having fun. Children in this stage don’t yet understand that friendships involve deeper emotions or long-term connections. Friendships can change quickly and may be based on simple factors like "We both like the same toy" or "We’re both playing together."

2. Stage 1: One-Way Assistance (Ages 6-8)

Children at this stage begin to see friendships as a relationship where one person gives something to the other, such as toys, attention, or help. There is still a lack of mutual understanding, and friendships are often one-sided. A child may view their friend as someone who gives them what they want, but they don't yet consider the other person’s needs or desires. Conflicts can arise when one child feels that their needs are not being met.

3. Stage 2: Two-Way Fairness (Ages 8-10)

At this stage, children begin to understand that friendships are mutual. They realize that give-and-take is important in a relationship and that both individuals have needs and desires that should be respected. Friendships are based on fairness, and children start to consider how their actions affect their friends. However, these friendships can still be somewhat transactional, focused on shared activities and reciprocity. Children start to understand that compromise and conflict resolution are essential aspects of healthy friendships.

4. Stage 3: Intimate, Mutually Shared Relationships (Ages 10-12)

Friendships in this stage are more emotionally intimate and characterized by mutual respect and understanding. Children begin to value loyalty, trust, and emotional support from their friends. There is a deeper sense of empathy and mutual care, and friends start sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and secrets. Conflicts are handled with a higher level of emotional maturity, and children begin to prioritize their closest friendships over casual ones.

5. Stage 4: Autonomous Interdependence (Ages 12 and beyond)

In this final stage, friendships are fully understood as complex relationships that involve both independence and interdependence. Adolescents and young adults recognize that they can maintain their own identity while being emotionally connected to others. Friendships at this stage are built on a deep level of mutual respect and the ability to navigate conflicts while maintaining individuality. These friendships are less likely to be affected by external influences and are based on shared values, beliefs, and long-term emotional support.

Selman’s theory helps explain how children and adolescents gradually move from simple, egocentric views of friendship to more complex, empathetic understandings of social relationships. The stages reflect increasing emotional depth, social understanding, and personal growth in how children interact with their peers.

Bullying in Schools

Bullying is a term often used by adults to describe repeated, unwanted, and aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. While labeling behavior as "bullying" can help adults recognize and respond to harmful interactions, it's important to understand that not all negative behavior is intentional or meets the criteria for bullying. For an action to be considered true bullying, a child must have the cognitive ability to understand that their behavior can cause harm to others, something that develops gradually with age and brain maturity. In many cases, what appears to be bullying may actually stem from a child’s own experiences of being bullied, witnessing aggression in their environment, or expressing emotional distress. These actions are often a cry for help rather than a calculated attempt to hurt others, and recognizing the underlying causes is key to offering effective support and intervention.

In schools, the term bullying often involves unwanted physical, verbal, social, or online (cyberbullying) behaviors. It as a serious issue and can negatively impact a student’s mental health, academic performance, and overall well-being. While both bullying and unkind behavior can be hurtful, there are key differences.

Difference Between Unkind Behavior and Bullying

Unkind Behavior	Bullying
	Can be a one-time incident		Repeated over time
	May not involve a power imbalance		Involves a power imbalance (physical strength, social status, or access to personal information)
	Not always intentional		Intentional and meant to cause harm
	Can happen between friends or peers		Targets a specific individual repeatedly

For example, if a student makes a rude comment once, that is unkind behavior. However, if a student repeatedly calls someone names, spreads rumors, or excludes them intentionally, it qualifies as bullying. This is a demonstration of planning to cause harm to others with intent.

California Laws on Bullying and Cyberbullying

California has strict laws to prevent and address bullying in schools.

• Education Code 48900(r) - Definition of Bullying
  • Defines bullying as any severe or pervasive physical or verbal act, including written or electronic communications, that causes harm to a student or disrupts their education.
• Education Code 234 (Safe Place to Learn Act)
  • Requires schools to adopt policies to prevent and respond to bullying.
  • Protects students from discrimination, harassment, intimidation, and bullying.
• Cyberbullying Laws (Education Code 48900 & Penal Code 653.2)
  • Cyberbullying includes using electronic communication to harass, threaten, or harm a student.
  • Schools can discipline students for cyberbullying, even if it happens off-campus, if it disrupts school activities.
  • Penal Code 653.2 makes it illegal to use electronic communication to place another person in fear for their safety.
• AB 746 - School Responsibility for Online Harassment
  • Schools must take action against cyberbullying and provide resources to affected students.

What Can Students, Parents, and Schools Do?

• Students: Report bullying to a teacher or counselor, stand up for victims, and avoid engaging in bullying behavior.
• Parents: Monitor children's online activities, talk to them about bullying, and report incidents to the school.
• Schools: Implement anti-bullying programs, enforce policies, and provide counseling for victims and perpetrators.

California schools are required to investigate and take action against bullying, ensuring a safe learning environment for all students. We recommend, however, getting to know the students prior to reporting their behaviors. There may be additional resources or support needed to help the student being labeled as a bully, causing them to inflict pain on others. Our role is to help and support all students.