8.2: Love Languages
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Hollywood has produced an endless stream of love stories. Some, such as “Gone with the Wind,” “Cleopatra,” or “Titanic” are love stories wrapped in grand dramas. Others – “Philadelphia Story,” “The Notebook,” or “Love Story” are more intimate.
Dr. Gary Chapman is a psychologist and marriage counselor who developed the concept of love languages. Let’s get started by taking a few moments to listen to Dr. Chapman explain why the five love languages are so important, especially for Gen-Z, and how he came to develop the concept of love languages which he then wrote about in a book that has sold more than 50 million copies.
Dr. Gary Chapman on The Five Love Languages
When people “fall in love,” they do so with high hopes and expectations of a life of bliss forever, “until death do us part.” But researchers have found that almost 50% of all marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce or separation. Diving a bit deeper, 41% of all first marriages will end in divorce as will 60% of second marriages, and 75% of third marriages. The U.S. has the fourth highest divorce rate in the world, behind Russia, Belarus, and Gibraltar. At least we’re ahead of No. 5 and 6, Moldova and Lithuania (Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, 2022).
Dr. Chapman believes the reason is many people speak different love languages. If you don’t speak the same love language as your partner, you might as well be speaking Mandarin. Not feeling loved is a huge problem, as demonstrated not only by divorce statistics but also by the experience of children of divorce, who often feel unloved by the parent who left them.
The problem is, falling in love is one thing, staying in love is another. Just like anything else, it requires continuous work. If you’re a triathlete now, you won’t remain a triathlete by sitting on your couch every weekend and watching TV. You’ll be out running in all sorts of weather, biking to work, etc.
One study suggested that romantic obsession lasts for about two years. After that, the “rose-colored glasses” come off and reality sets in. Your partner’s quirks become annoying or worse, and life’s routine – paying bills, doing laundry, raising kids, hosting in-laws, etc., wears on the marriage. Resentment and separation can follow. Many couples resign themselves to emotional deprivation or file for divorce.
There is, however, a better way. It starts with family dinners. We’ll get back to love languages in a minute, but family dinners are essential for building and maintaining families. Adolescents who have just one or two family dinners a week with their parents are two to four times more likely to use alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, and other drugs than youth who have five to seven family dinners a week (National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, 2006). Other research has found the frequency of family dinners is related to lower rates of delinquency and sexual promiscuity.
What makes a family dinner so important? Family dinners provide a relaxed atmosphere that allows for open discussion about daily activities, sensitive issues involving politics, core moral choices (or both), and continued emotional bonding between family members. It’s thought this may be more successful than a formal lecture, and youth learn their family loves them and cares about them. When families fall on hard times – and most families do at some point – family dinners provide the opportunity to discuss the situation openly and to get input from everyone, to build a family team. Schirch (2005).
Aside from family dinners, feeding the fires of a couple’s love takes work. And that’s where the five love languages come in. The first of these is Words of Affirmation. You may have said as a child, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me." That’s a lie. Words can build up, and words can break down.
Watch the difference as two coaches adopt different approaches to coaching a soccer match. One coach adopts a positive approach, the other a negative approach.
Positive Coach vs Negative Coach | A 5-a-Side Surprise! | England
Most people – not all, but most – respond better when they are affirmed. So it makes sense that we would praise our partner’s good works, and not just the extraordinary things they do, but the everyday things: “Honey, you look great in that dress!” or, “I don’t know how you do it, but you go from one stellar meal to another.” Some studies indicate that successful couples praise six times for every time they criticize.
One caution: Most of us have pretty good “B.S. meters” and can detect false praise. So mean it when you say it.
Also, remember that in a marriage, spouses are equals and must treat each other as equals. So don’t make demands, but rather requests. Demands are demeaning, requests are empowering.
The second love language is Quality Time. We have to spend time with our spouse. When we were dating, we carved out time for a date and on that date gave our spouse 100% of our attention. Once we’re married we still need to carve out time for our spouse and give him/her 100% of our attention.
To be sure, we live busy lives. But what worked when dating will work when married. That’s why many couples have a regularly scheduled "date night.” Maybe they go to a movie and then out for a snack or drinks. Maybe it's out for a nice dinner, and then a stroll around a lake.
The third love language is Receiving Gifts. Everyone likes to receive gifts. We like to get presents on our birthdays and major holidays. But a surprise present is best of all.
This works even in the business setting. A newsletter publisher delights its subscribers by sending subscribers an eBook of Success Quotes for Every Week of the Year each holiday season. Dynamic Catholic sends two or three free books a year to members of its Ambassadors Club who donate $10 a month. The Wall Street Journal offers subscribers free eBooks and free audiobooks from HarperCollins, a major New York publisher, each month. The Journal also offers complimentary virtual passes to selected WSJ events that cost hundreds of dollars for in-person attendance. (These subscriber benefits are available to student subscribers; student subscriptions are $4 a month here.)
The fourth love language is Acts of Service. Many men demonstrate love by doing things for girlfriends such as cleaning out gutters; many women demonstrate love by cooking, folding laundry. People of any gender can show love by running errands.
The fifth love language is Physical Touch. For a person whose love language is touch, a slap is devastating, but a tender hug is not only reassuring but deeply comforting. In times of grief and crisis, physical touch can communicate more powerfully than words.
How do we know our partner’s love language? If you really like hearing “I love you” again, and again, and again, words of affirmation are probably one of your love languages. That’s also true if you appreciate being recognized, whether it’s because you put on work clothes for your Zoom call or your partner says thank you.
If you like to spend uninterrupted time with your partner, if it’s meaningful when your partner makes time for you, if creating memories and special moments together is important to you, then quality time is one of our love languages.
Acts of service are one of our love languages when your partner helps ease your responsibilities by doing little chores or tasks for you or follows through on something, or you think talk is cheap, action counts.
You know if receiving gifts is one of your love languages when the present is nice but what really matters is the thought behind it.
Touch is one of your love languages if you look forward to hugs, cuddles, and intimacy; if you feel grounded in a relationship when physical affection is accessible and cultivated, if you like public displays of affection.
What’s the most common love language? Chapman analyzed the results of 10,000 people who took his online quiz in 2010 and found words of affirmation was the most popular language (Borensen, 2018). Dating app Hinge analyzed its data and found Quality Time won, hands down (Emery, 2018).
Love is the most fundamental of human emotions and is key to human relationships. Watch Billy Ward, a former Baltimore Raven, talk about love and being loved.
How to love and be loved | Billy Ward | TEDxFoggyBottom
- Do you agree with Chapman’s list of love languages? Is there are you would add? What’s your favorite love language? In your favorite romance movie (comedy or serious), what love languages can you identify? Be prepared to discuss in class and write a 500-word essay.
- What is your love language? Take this quiz and find out (be prepared to discuss in class or share in an online class):
References
Borenson, K. (2018, July 23). This is the most common of the 5 love languages. Huffpost.com. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/most-...b0b15aba8b1d2c
Emery, L. (2018, November 15). This is the most popular love language on Hinge. Bustle.com. https://www.bustle.com/p/the-most-po...-time-13150294
National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (2006). Family dinners proven proxy for parental engagement. https://rhyclearinghouse.acf.hhs.gov..._Land-Nick.pdf
Schirch, L.(2005). Ritual and Symbol in Peacebuilding. Kumarian Press. In McBride, D. (2013). Family bonding and family dinners. Ministry Magazine. March 2013:21-24.
Wilkinson & Finkbeiner (2022, July 26). Divorce statistics: Over 115 studies, facts and rates for 2022. https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-s...ics-and-facts/