Most people will have to give at least one eulogy in their lifetime. Around 85% of those studied, performed individual rituals and at least 50% engaged in collective rituals following the death of a loved one. Whether it is a funeral, a remembrance ceremony, or a wake, most ceremonies include a speech. Because of that, it is helpful to have an understanding of how to build a meaningful eulogy. The word eulogy means, “good words” and it is designed to celebrate the life of someone who has passed.
According to Pastor John Meade, “Eulogies are not about death, they are about the things that live on. They give people a chance to remember, celebrate, and connect. Eulogies give mourners a way to reflect on someone they cared for in a way that helps them and others process the loss.” Block and Davies suggest that funeral rituals help the living adapt to the death. Some eulogies speak words against death and others celebrate life. Davies believes the best words are those that confront death with hope.
“relinquish their custody of the deceased.” Eulogies are for the living.
Structure Your Eulogy
There are many ways to structure a eulogy. You might stand up at your chair and just tell one story, or you might go up front behind a podium and give a more formal eulogy. The structure will be determined by what you want to accomplish. Most eulogies include an introduction and at least one story.
An introduction is where you tell who you are and your relationship with the person. Oftentimes, you will invite the listeners in to remember with you in some way.
Grandma was my best friend. Many of you know her as Mamie, those of you who are close, know her as Babe. Whatever name you called her, you know, she would answer that call with a smile and a cookie.
There are four major structures common in eulogies.
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Attributes:
Tell who you are to the person and what attributes you remember about them.
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Theme:
Pick a theme and apply that to many parts of their life.
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Story:
Tell a story and how that story impacted you.
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Biography:
Tell a series of small stories within the timeline. Don’t just tell the facts, tell small stories from different parts of their life.
1. Attributes
I. Opening
A. Opening phrase
B. Who you are.
C. Who the person was to you.
II. First attribute of the person
A. A story that highlights the attribute of that person
B. Details
III. Second attribute of the person
A. A story that highlights the attribute of that person
B. Details
IV. Third attribute of the person
A. A story that highlights the attribute of that person
B. Details
V. What the person would want to be remembered for
or what you would want to say to the person if they were here
VI. Closing thoughts
2. Theme
Think of a theme that defines the person:
Grandma was always cooking, and she was the homemade bread that she baked. There were many ingredients in her life…. Tell families stories in terms of the things grandma cooked for them or tell of each person as an “ingredient” in her life.
Grandpa’s life was one big fishing trip: He hooked grandma (tell the story of their meeting), I “caught” more than fish I caught lessons on…
Hannah’s life was wrapped up in her horses. Tell several stories of her with horses and how that showed the important people and events in her life.
Tribute to Grandpa by Logan Dodd used the theme of flying for the eulogy to his grandpa who was a pilot.
While most people dream of being able to soar through the sky,
it was a reality to my grandfather,
Leonard Wilhelm
.
From the time that my mother was a little girl,
my grandpa was building and
flying,
his own
aircraft.
As you all can imagine,
when I was a little boy
I was in heaven every time I went to his house and was able to watch him work on his
airplanes.
But it wasn’t until after he was gone that I realized that my pilot’s lesson didn’t just start at the age of fourteen.
In fact, he was giving me
pilot’s lessons
when he would drive down the street in his airplane.
He was giving me
pilot’s lessons
when he would let me hang out with him and his flying buddies.
He was giving me
pilot’s lessons
when I would go to his house every day after school.
My grandpa was determined that I would become a
pilot of an airplane,
yes.
But he was also determined that I would become the
pilot of my own life.
There is a chapter on Metaphor, Similie and Theme
More Examples of Theme
Let me show you an example of how others have used themes in their eulogies. In each case, I pulled only excerpts from the speech, and I left them in a manuscript format so you can see how they wrote the speech in manuscript form (/// means pause).
Read an excerpt of this eulogy about her father using the theme of navigation.
Sample Theme 1: Navigation Theme
Navigating the Way
Hanna Arambel, University of Arkansas Student
Dad and I were two of a kind.
My family drove to California every year
and when I was younger,
I would pretend to read the
map
while he drove,
but soon enough, ///
I was his
co-pilot
over the 4000 mile trip.
Eventually, I was old enough to
drive
on the trip,
but he never needed the
map.
Dad could always navigate the way.
…
But every now and then…
Dad got a little over-ambitious when he was teaching me…
my mom always laughs at the time
we were out to eat at our favorite restaurant one evening
and my mother returned to the table
to see my father and I quibbling furiously.
“What now?” was all she could manage to say.
Before I had a chance to speak,
my father informed her,
“Betty, I just want to teach her this little thing
because it’s very important.
Everyone needs to know how to do long division.”
Needless to say, I was only 7 years old and had just started subtraction
Oh, to be the daughter of an engineer.
But still,
he was always navigating the way.
…
In elementary plays, I was the kid who stuck out
with the most elaborate costume ……….and over-done acting…
because dad and I practiced …….. for endless……. hours.
While it embarrassed me then,
I realized later
how many special memories it made
and how much it made me even more like him.
Dad could always navigate the way.
…
One of my favorite memories
from Dad and me
is when we were looking
at the stars one night on the back porch.
He pointed out the brightest star in the sky
and said that he always thought of me
as his brightest star.
And even though my dad is away from us now,
I can always look up and find the brightest star.
And that’s always where he’ll be.
Navigating the way
Sample Theme 2: Boating
Tribute to Papa D
Grant McQueen, University of Arkansas Student
It was in that old green boat
the first time I ever caught a fish.
You were right there // behind me
With your hand on my head
It was in that old green boat
I was playing with the fishing net //
I dropped it over the edge
And it sank // into the green depths below
It was in that old green boat
we sat in the dark with flashlights
Waiting for a fish to bite the lines we had tied to milk jugs
The cold metal
of that boat // will always and forever be the warmest place on earth to me.
Waking up at 4 am with you and my dad to put the rods in the truck
Mama D making us bologna sandwiches to eat on the water
You // buying me a biscuit at the bait shop
Me // falling asleep on your lap
The dull roar
of the boat motor carrying us to your magic fishing spot
The cold water// the mist in the air
like nature’s reflection of you with your cold beer and cigarette smoke.
You never liked
to talk much on those trips
You were afraid // our voices might wake the fish
Or so you told me
But the smile you gave //
when I would scream that I had a
fish
on //
spoke to me // more than words could have.
You see
// you may have taught me to catch
fish
But you also taught me to
catch
the special moments in life // and unlike
fish
, to not ever release them.
You were a legend in my eyes
and you always will be.
(this is the first 1/3 of the speech.)
3. Story
Notice how Larissa Heatley tells a story about how her grandpa played a game that she made up. In our mind’s eye, we can see her playing with her grand-daddy.
More on how to build a story in a speech.
Include the Audience
Write the eulogy for the whole audience. Yes, you are sharing your memories and yes, you had a special relationship with the person, but the audience should feel included. Using words like “we” and “us” and phrases like “we all remember” invite the audience into your speech.
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Use Colorful Language in a Eulogy
You can elevate your eulogy emotionally and structurally by using colorful language. What I mean by colorful (or figurative) language, is using a theme, metaphor, simile, alliteration, parallel construction, and antithesis. I have a couple of chapters on these for you to look over and I will review the general ideas here as well.
More resources on using metaphor and theme
More resources on using colorful language
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Using Colorful Language
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Theme
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Repeating one idea throughout the speech, usually tied to the metaphor.
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Metaphor
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Comparing things
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Simile
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Comparing things using like or as
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Alliteration
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Repeating the same letter or sound
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Parallel Construction
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Repeating the same sentence
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Antithesis
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The pairing of opposite in parallel structure
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Parallel Construction
The great thing about parallel construction is it allows the speaker to tell a lot of little stories in a short amount of time. Watch as Oren Katz tells a series of memorable events with his friend.
Watch the video (It is cued to the moment he begins his parallel)
Sometimes its the smallest things
that take up the most room in our hearts.
I’m gonna miss
the way Adam shouted at me when we were the only two people in the room.
I’m gonna miss
his classic pose he struck in every last picture.
I’m gonna miss
him making fun of me for liking things like poetry and exercise.
I’m gonna miss
us taking walks to the Sydney Opera house together
and sometimes falling asleep when we couldn’t keep up, we kept hanging out when we couldn’t keep our eyes open any longer
I’m gonna miss
us talking about nothing for hours.
I’m gonna miss
us being able to say a single word to each other and bursting out laughing knowing what the other was thinking,
it was never appropriate.
I’m gonna miss
meals together.
I’m gonna miss
his voice.
I’m gonna miss
his laugh.
I’m gonna miss
him always being there for me,
no matter what.
Most of all,
I’m just gonna miss
one of my best friends.
Navigating the Way
As soon as I could walk…
I took up Dad’s competitive nature.
Mom would
find us arguing over rules.
Mom would
find us fighting about a card game.
Mom would
find us making bets about the oddest things.
We were always competing.
Hanna Arambel, University of Arkansas Student
Tribute to Papa D
Because it was in that old green boat
that I learned how to catch fish with you
And I learned how the simplest of things
Can hold on to you like a barbed hook
Because it was in that old green boat
where I learned that sometimes
The coldest places
Can form the warmest memories
Because it was in that old green boat
where I learned what love is
And what kind of person
I want to be.
Grant McQueen, University of Arkansas Student
Eulogy to Grandpa
The independence that made him who he was has caused me to be who I am.
He taught me
that I don’t always have to be the same as the crowd.
He taught me
that no matter what my passion is, I should follow it.
He taught me
that you can’t wait for opportunities to fall into your lap,
you have to go get them.
Logan Dodd, University of Arkansas Student
Antithesis
The independence that made him who he was has caused me to be who I am.
Eulogy to Grandpa, Logan Dodd, University of Arkansas Student
A woman whose spirit was always soaring
Even when her feet were firmly planted on the ground
Eulogy for Grandmother who was a pilot, Kayla Cross, University of Arkansas Student
I realize that it was never about your flower garden
It was always about tending to things of the heart
Tribute to Grandma, Tasha Smith, University of Arkansas Student
But let us not wallow in our pity, because that is the last thing Bill Baker would want us to do. Let us instead celebrate the life of a great man finally achieving that eternal bliss that he spent his life working towards.
Eulogy to Grandpa who gave me this necktie, Dan Howry, University of Arkansas Student
Sometimes it is the smallest things
that take up the most room in our hearts.
Eulogy, Adam Levine
Alliteration
And his time showed me how life should be lived
F
earlessly.
F
requently.
F
reely.
Simile
My grandpa Jack is like the wind. We can’t see him, but we can feel him.
He is always with us.
Eulogy to Grandpa Jack, Lily, University of Arkansas Student
I would tell him that I miss him like the windmill missed the wind.
He was a man of defiance
A man….of truth
And he came
And he went
Like the wind
Eulogy to Grandpa, Logan Dodd, University of Arkansas Student
Metaphor
Watch as Billy Crystal uses the metaphor of a star to eulogize Robin Williams
For almost 40 years he was the brightest star in a comedy galaxy. But while some of the brightest of our celestial bodies are actually extinct now, their energy long since cooled.
But miraculously, since because they float in the heavens so far away from us now, their beautiful light will continue to shine on us forever. And the glow will be so bright, it’ll warm your heart, it’ll make your eyes glisten and you’ll think to yourselves, ‘Robin Williams— what a concept.’ Billy Crystal’s Eulogy to Robin Williams
What If I Cry?
It is OK to cry when you are giving a eulogy. In fact, people expect it. If tears come to your eyes, don’t apologize, just pause, breathe, and continue.
Research on funerals shows that people respect those who speak with authenticity and they admire those who are willing to share their knowledge of the deceased even when that person falters.
It was hard in that funeral. I think that there was a huge sense of it being too soon for the deceased to part from us and a real sadness that here was someone who was so lovely and it was hard and painful, especially when his son spoke. I think that was when most of us felt really upset, it was mostly because he was so utterly brave and strong in saying what he was saying. We could all sense that he was in tremendous pain. I was full of admiration of his strength of character in being able to say what he did. I can’t remember the poem that he read or the verses. It was beautiful though. The elder brother got up to support his younger brother and that was also lovely to see.
If, however, you are not ready emotionally to speak about the loved one, it is best not to offer to speak at a real funeral or in an in-class eulogy speech.
The most admirable thing that I have seen at funerals is people who are brave enough to stand in front of their friends and family and speak. Speaking in public is something that most of us do not have much experience of and it can be very intimidating. Add to that the grief that you are feeling at a funeral, which makes it even harder to stand up and speak. I can offer nothing but praise to the people that are prepared to do this small but beautiful last act of kindness to the memory of a deceased friend or relative.
What do you, the audience member do if the speaker cries. Tears can make us feel empathy, they can make us feel sad, they can make us feel awkward. If someone is giving a eulogy and they cry, don’t look away. Show your support with a reassuring glance and a light smile if it feels right. Think of eye contact as a warm hug that helps them get through the moment.
(Quote from a research study on funerals)
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In a research study about eulogies and funerals, researchers Bailey and Walter noted that the things mourners reported were the most important was accuracy, authenticity, and performance.
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Accuracy:
It is not your goal to tell everyone’s view of the deceased, but rather to tell your view in a way that honors the memory of that person for everyone.
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Authenticity:
An authentic eulogy is preferred to a professional one.
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Performance:
People admire you for being brave enough to stand up in a time of grief and speak out and do not expect a perfect performance.
Your eulogy will be as unique as the person you are celebrating. What an awesome opportunity you have to speak about someone you care about. Eulogies can be hard, but they are important to help everyone celebrate the life of someone that mattered to them.
Key Takeaways
Remember This!
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Spend a lot of time brainstorming, reflecting, researching, and talking to others before you begin to write.
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Write in a manuscript format.
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Use inclusive language
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Tells stories when possible.
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Try incorporating colorful language: Simile, metaphor, antithesis, alliteration, parallel construction.
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Consider using a theme that fits the person or the situation.
Bonus Feature
Real Answers to Tough Questions
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What if they died in a tragic way? What if it was a suicide? What if it was after a long illness?
It is important to remember a eulogy is about the life they lived not the way they died. Most people who are at the funeral know how they died so why mention it? Instead, spend your time sharing memories.
You may choose to talk about how they fought hard at the end or how they kept a positive attitude at the end. Just don’t let the end of their life be the only focus of their life.
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What if they had an unremarkable life?
I once helped write a eulogy of someone who never held a job, had no close family ties, had no hobbies except to sit and watch TV ten hours a day. After talking to four family members, the best thing they say about him was that he took out the trash without being asked. Most people write their own eulogies, and some people don’t write very much. Don’t apologize for their life or for your brevity, just tell the stories you have to tell. Tell about the dent in the sofa cushion and the funny sound he made when something funny came on TV.
References
Arabel, H. Navigating the way. University of Arkansas Advanced Public Speaking.
Bailey, T. & Walter, T.
(2016)
Funerals against death,
Mortality,
21(2),
149-166,
DOI:
10.1080/13576275.2015.1071344
Romanoff, B.D.
(1998). Rituals and the grieving process.
Death Studies,
22(
8),
697-711,
DOI:
10.1080/074811898201227
Castle,
J.
, &
Phillips,
W. L.
(
2003
).
Grief rituals: Aspects that facilitate adjustment to bereavement
.
Journal of Loss and Trauma
,
8
(1),
41
–
71
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10.1080/15325020305876
Cross, K. Eulogy for Grandmother who was a pilot. University of Arkansas Advanced Public Speaking.
Crystal, B. (2014). Billy Crystal’s Emmy Awards 2014 Tribute to Robin Williams. [Video]. YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUHV703ZRys
Standard YouTube License.
Davies, D. J.
(2017). Cremation. The Routledge Companion to Death and Dying.
Dodd, L. Eulogy to Grandpa. University of Arkansas Advanced Public Speaking.
Fripp, P.( 2012). Accepting an award with class,” Toastmasters International.
http://www.toastmasters.org/Members/SpotlightArticles/AcceptAwardClass.aspx
.
Giblin, P. & Hug, A.
(2006).
The psychology of funeral rituals,
Liturgy,
2
1(1),
11-19,
DOI:
10.1080/04580630500285956
Heathley, L. (2013). Dallas Willard’s memorial service-Granddaughter’s tribute. [Video]. YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_tUflixuds
Standard YouTube License.
Howry, D. Eulogy to Grandpa who gave me this necktie. University of Arkansas Advanced Public Speaking.
Huibertha B. Mitima-Verloop, Trudy T. M. Mooren & Paul A. Boelen
(2019)
Facilitating grief: An exploration of the function of funerals and rituals in relation to grief reactions,
Death Studies,
DOI:
10.1080/07481187.2019.1686090
Hubbard, L. (2018). Read the full transcript of Meghan McCain’s eulogy to her father John McCain.
Town and Country.
https://www.townandcountrymag.com/society/politics/a22892378/meghan-mccain-eulogy-for-john-mccain-full-transcript/
Katz, O. (2016). Adam Levine close friend eulogy. [Video]. YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRCdTWtuwAk
Standard YouTube License
Lustig, T., (2012). The most difficult speech: The Eulogy. Toastmasters International.
http://www.toastmasters.org/ToastmastersMagazine/ToastmasterArchive/2009/December/Articles/The-Eulogy.aspx
.
McQueen, G. Tribute to Papa D. University of Arkansas Advanced Public Speaking.
Shields, B. (2009). Michael Jackson Memorial-Brooke Shields Tribute. [Video]. YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pxjujsW0v0
Standard YouTube License
Smith, T. Tribute to Grandma. University of Arkansas Advanced Public Speaking.
Toastmasters International (2012). Introducing a speaker: What should you say?
http://www.toastmasters.org/MainMenuCategories/FreeResources/NeedHelpGivingaSpeech/BusinessPresentations/IntroducingaSpeaker.aspx
.
Warren, J. T. & Fassett, D.L. (2011).
Communication: A Critical/Cultural Introduction
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.